How to overcome jealousy in a relationship

If you are in a relationship, it is natural to feel a little jealous at times, especially if you have very strong feelings for your partner. Occasional jealousy is okay and may even add a little excitement and zest to the relationship. But what to do when this jealousy becomes more frequent and intense and even overwhelming?

Why Do People Get Jealous?

The common evolutionary explanation for jealousy is that men fear sexual infidelity as they want to be absolutely certain that their offspring is actually theirs. Women, are more concerned with emotional infidelity, because they are concerned with their children’s survival and want to make sure that their partner supports their children, provide and protect them.

Today more than ever before, people are afraid of being rejected, not accepted, not being loved and worry about losing people they care for. These feelings of loss are natural. Yet, again, when thought and feelings of jealousy are extreme, they stem partially as a result of insecurities. When fear lessens, so does jealousy. If you experience jealousy very frequently, here are some strategies that will help you out:

1. Don’t Act On Your Feelings

It is hard not to act the way you are feeling. The feeling of jealousy or any other feelings is not the problem, the real trouble starts when you start acting on that jealousy and let it consume you. You can feel the feeling, but do not have to act on it. Remember that your better half is a human being that is actively interacting with the world around him/her. That world contains people of gender that they sexually prefer but that does not mean that they will cheat on you with them. There is a reason why they are in an intimate relationship with you. If they wanted to date other people, they would have done so. So, the next time you feel jealous, accept the feelings, yet change the way you think about the situation and be reasonable and wise.

2. Calm Down and Stay Vulnerable

To love is to be vulnerable. George R.R. Martin said it best “The more people you love, the weaker you are.” What you need to do is to open your heart to your partner, trust whatever comes and keep calm. Yes, it is not easy, but you need to be willing to accept what is beyond your control and trust yourself to deal with the unknown. Remember, you are in the relationship, because you decide to love. It is a choice you make to love your partner and at the same time accept the risks without any qualms or jealousy.

3. Express Your Jealousy in A Soft Way

If you feel that your partner is doing something that is making you jealous, you can express how you feel and talk to them in a mature way. You can also communicate it with humor, diplomacy or directly as long as it is respectful. If you are humorous, you can joke about how insanely jealous you are when your partner pays attention to someone else. Laugh with them as you say this, because it will take the pressure off the topic and will get the message across. When you are diplomatic, you can let them know that you love them a lot and know that they will never cheat on you. And if you are direct, just tell them that you trust them, yet cannot control your feelings and want them to consider how you feel.

4. Appreciate Yourself

One of the main reasons why people get jealous is that they have low self-esteem and insecurity issues. They tend to think that they are not good enough, their partner will realize this, and will leave them for someone else. You need to know that there is a reason why your partner liked you in the first place and got together with you. If you need some reaffirmation or appreciation, don’t hesitate to ask for that too (within reason of-course). The next time you feel jealous, remember that your partner is with you because they want to be with you because of your positive qualities.

5. Heal Your Wounds

People tend to act jealous because of previous relationships too. You might have been hurt before and they might have cheated on you. You have to move beyond your past and realize that you are out of that relationship and in a new one. The person that you are with is not your ex-partner. Understanding the roots, triggers and reasons for your jealousy is an important part of personal growth and maintaining a healthy relationship. Whenever you start feeling jealous, make a conscious effort to heal your old wounds, be more resilient so that your past does not affect your present and future.

6. Trust Your Partner

You must trust your partner, because you have no other option if you want to have a happy and successful relationship. No one can control your partner and you have to let jealousy go. Having some control is not a bad thing, yet trying to control somebody for things over which you have no control, is problematic. Act in a loving manner in spite of feelings of jealousy you experience.

7. Trust Yourself

The best thing that you can do is trust yourself. Trust yourself that you can love deeply and without any regrets. Trust yourself that your love will act like the anchor that will prevent your relationship from floating away. This is not easy, but ultimately when you trust yourself, you trust whatever comes. You feel confidence that you will be able to manage even the most difficult situation, including a breakup or rejection.

In conclusion, jealousy may be destructive and serves as a poison in intimate relationships. If you follow the above suggestions and strategies when feeling jealous, you will be in a better position to build your relationship and deepen the trust.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion, but it can make relationships challenging when it gets out of hand

Often associated with low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy are at the root of jealousy

If you are struggling with jealous feelings, find a therapist here

This post explores jealousy from two perspectives. The first from the view of the person who experiences feelings of jealousy; and the other from the perspective of a person who feels that they are the recipient of irrational jealousy in the relationship.

Recurring jealousy is a powerful form of insecurity that often results in emotional outbursts and is driven by irrational thought. In relationships, habitual and frequent jealousy is toxic and can eventually rip a good relationship apart.

Do I have a problem with jealousy?

The person who experiences feelings of jealousy may read meanings into the behaviour of their partner, and/or read into the motivations of others toward the partner. You react to what you imagine is happening more than the reality. Instead of concentrating on how you are living your life, you may be increasingly pre-occupied by what your partner might be doing, seeing a threat in people, places and things.

Jealousy is a feeling of insecurity often associated with feeling inadequate, low self-esteem, dependency, and a fear of being abandoned. It may lead us to feel angry when we feel we are not receiving what we expect in a partner. Sometimes we do not question whether these expectations are reasonable and whether our actions are also reasonable.

Even if we feel justified, our reactions do not promote a good way forward for the relationship to flourish. Jealousy can feel all consuming and can leave you feeling exhausted and miserable. In my experience with clients, it is common that people who describe themselves as jealous know on an intellectual level that they are being irrational but feel stuck on how to move forward, often feeling guilty or ashamed of their actions, and continuing to feel insecure. Also, it is common to alternate between blaming their partner for provoking their jealousy and blaming themselves for being unfair towards their partner.

There is a frequent realisation from clients that the behaviour they display could run the risk of fulfilling what they may fear, such as their partner eventually leaving them.

How to overcome jealousy

Counselling may help you to become aware of your feelings in a non-judgemental environment. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) may help you work through, and challenge thought processes which trigger feelings such as jealousy.

Partners on the receiving end of jealousy will, depending on the individual, react differently. In the counselling room, I refer to what I experience as the most common experiences from clients who have a partner who struggles with jealousy. One clear example is modifying behaviour to suit the partner’s insecurity. These behavioural modifications might include not going out with friends, turning down invitations you would normally accept and editing what information you offer to your partner with the intention of minimising any reactions in your partner. Each of these examples reinforce the problem and the latter in particular may lead to further arguments.

You may start to fear the reaction of your partner. You may feel that the relationship is starting to affect your decisions, your self-esteem, and the confidence to have your voice. You may start to avert your eyes to your preferred sex when walking around shopping or in restaurants for the sake of not starting an argument. This isn’t a pleasant place to exist.

Counselling and psychotherapy may offer you support and growth if you are experiencing issues in a relationship increasingly based in insecurity. Find a therapist here.

Overview
Jealousy can ruin a good relationship because it subjects one partner to unreasonable suspicion by the other. A jealous person generally interprets innocent acts as threats to her relationship. For example, she might get upset when her partner talks to another female or spends time with friends. This causes her to act out in destructive ways, like arguing or making false accusations, which drives a wedge into the relationship. Fortunately there are ways to overcome jealousy before it destroys a good thing.

Step 1
Ask your partner to list the behaviors caused by your jealousy that are causing problems. For example, it may be causing you to ignore him, pick fights, accuse him of cheating or invade his privacy by checking his wallet or cell phone.

Step 2
Identify the real source of your jealousy. Monica A. Frank, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who runs the Excel At Life website, explains that jealousy is usually caused by underlying self-esteem problems, feeling vulnerable or fearing abandonment. Make a list of the real triggers for your feelings. The Pathway to Happiness self-help website says that irrational jealousy gets in the way of a realistic point of view, so you must make an effort to find it.

Step 3
Stop negative, jealousy-related behaviors with a mental signal. This is a cognitive behavioral technique called thought stopping. Visualize a stop sign, red light or other symbol, therapist Mike Miller, Ph.D., advises. Remind yourself that your feelings are being caused by your own fears rather than your partner’s actions.

Step 4
Work on your personal issues every day. You may be able to use self-help techniques like reading books, journaling and online forums, or you may need to see a counselor. Your jealous feelings and urges to act out will diminish as you fix the underlying cause.

Tips and Warnings

• Learn to be more emotionally intimate with your partner and share difficult feelings, the Pathway to Happiness site advises. Jealousy often indicates a lack of trust, and sharing your feelings can help build the trust. Your partner can also give reassurances that will help invalidate the irrational jealous feelings.

You’re not asking for anything unreasonable when you expect commitment and trust from your partner. And jealousy is a natural reaction, though it can get out of hand.

You just want what belongs to you. And you don’t want anyone else threatening to take the one you love. But it’s important that you understand how to get over jealousy before it negatively impacts your relationship.

You don’t want your beloved slipping through your grasp and disappearing. But if you shackle them in jealousy and wear down their energy so you never lose them, you could be destroying everything you’ve worked to build.

Left unchecked, your green-eyed monster will devour the very thing you love the most. Unless you commit to overcoming jealousy in your relationship, you won’t have a relationship to worry about.

What is it about jealousy that is so exhausting and unsustainable in a relationship?

Healthy relationships are grounded in trust. Trust is foundational to every aspect of intimacy and commitment. It’s essential for creating and feeling emotional safety.

It’s the underlying assumption that makes vulnerability possible. And it’s the key attribute of a relationship that gives partners the freedom to have individual lives within the context of their relational life.

Jealousy undermines the foundation of trust in a relationship. And sooner or later, a relationship riddled by unchecked jealousy will disintegrate.

One reason that overcoming jealousy in your relationship is so difficult is that it stems from your own insecurities as a jealous person.

Granted, you may be aware of circumstances that warrant concern for the stability of your relationship. But in those cases, the healthy choice is to confront the situation, not side-step it with jealousy.

If you’re on the receiving end of a partner’s jealousy, you know how exhausting it is. You are set up to fail before you even try to succeed.

You may find yourself defending and justifying yourself when no defense or justification is warranted. And you most likely find yourself reeling in your vulnerability and willingness to take risks in the relationship.

What, then, are some simple steps to overcoming jealousy in your relationship?

Here are 5 simple steps to overcoming jealousy in your relationship.

1. Don’t let your imagination run wild.

A vivid imagination is a powerful tool. It’s the source of bestselling books, ingenious works of art, and creative problem-solving. It can also be a dangerous tool if you start writing Fatal Attraction thrillers in your head.

Allowing your mind to plot faithless schemes on the part of your partner will send you quickly spiraling. Before you know it, you and your partner will be wondering what is truth and what is fiction.

When you find yourself ruminating and obsessing over scenarios that have no proof, stop yourself. If you’re going to give your imagination free reign, allow it to dream up possibilities that make you happy.

2. Confront your own insecurities.

Overcoming jealousy in your relationship is really about coming face-to-face with your own underlying insecurities.

Ask yourself, “What am I really afraid of? That he will leave me? That she will make more money than I do? That I’m really not good enough, pretty enough, or successful enough?”

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Once you’re able to pinpoint what’s really coming up for you, ask yourself whether or not the jealousy you feel is based in fact.

3. Search for the root of your insecurities.

You may have fears of being abandoned or not being good enough. But when and where did those fears originate? Are your jealousy-wielding insecurities rooted in unhealed childhood wounds?

Did someone important to you leave your life at some point? Did a parent tell you that you weren’t wanted or weren’t as smart, pretty, or worthy as your siblings?

This is a good time to seek out the help of a therapist who can guide you safely into those questions that might be painful to confront.

Understanding the origin of your insecurities will give you the discernment to recognize what’s really about your partner. and what’s really about you.

4. Have an honest conversation with your partner.

One of the reasons an imagination can go wild is that there is nothing to keep it in check. No fact-finding. No second opinion. No back-and-forth discussion to keep emotions and concerns balanced.

There is something very disarming about a person who can share their heart in a calm, non-accusatory, non-confrontational way.

By staying in the “I” and owning your own role in the relationship, you open the door to reciprocity.

If you aren’t sure how to communicate with your spouse or partner, start from your heart. Be honest, vulnerable, and self-accountable. And tell your partner what you want most out of your relationship. You might be surprised by the compassion and understanding you receive in return.

In this way, jealousy can actually be an opportunity for open communication and a deepening of emotional intimacy.

5. Accentuate the positive.

Overcoming jealousy in your relationship is all but impossible if you’re always obsessing about negative behaviors and possibilities.

Simply shifting your focus to what is good and right in your relationship can stop the flow of negative scripting in your mind. And, most importantly, it will condition you to think and speak from a place of appreciation, not doubt and distrust.

Jealousy may be rooted in only one partner in your relationship, but it affects both of you and your relationship. It puts conditions on your love and blocks the gifts that can be given only within the safety of trust. It also sets you both up to respond to fiction and not the truth.

Overcoming jealousy starts with knowing and owning your own story.

But like everything else in a relationship, overcoming jealousy is the responsibility of both partners. It relies on healthy communication, and that is always a two-way street.

Jealousy is not a diagnosis; it is an emotion. But when someone experiences extreme jealousy, they may find the emotion negatively affects their life and may even contribute to the development of mental health conditions such as depression and generalized anxiety.

If you feel troubled by feelings of jealousy, consulting with a licensed therapist or counselor may help you explore and address the cause of these feelings.

Therapy for Jealousy

Jealousy can have dangerous implications: It is the third most common motive for murder. Though it is an emotion that can often be checked, especially with communication, its potentially overpowering nature is demonstrated by the fact that some people who experience extreme jealousy attempt to harm romantic rivals, wayward spouses, or workplace competitors.

Psychotherapy is often an effective treatment for jealousy. A person who experiences jealousy might benefit from working with a therapist to process painful emotions and reframe negative, damaging thoughts that affect their behavior. A therapist may support someone who wishes to overcome jealousy by helping them:

• Tell the difference between normal/productive and harmful/unproductive jealousy.
• Build relationship and communication skills.
• Identify cognitive distortions that contribute to feelings of jealousy.
• Learn skills for emotional regulation.
• Use mindfulness to handle sudden feelings of jealousy.
• Focus on self-care. Focusing on taking care of oneself and one’s own relationships can help people feel more confident and less dependent, decreasing their likelihood to feel jealous.

Cognitive behavioral therapy may be used to help people work through jealous feelings, as it may make it easier for people to identify underlying beliefs that contribute to those feelings. Temporary treatment with psychoactive drugs may also help jealousy, but this approach is generally only used when jealousy causes or is caused by other mental health conditions such as schizophrenia.

Couples Counseling for Jealousy

Couples experiencing mutual jealousy may benefit from marital or couples counseling. If an affair or infidelity has not occurred, a couples therapist may work with both people in the relationship to address the feelings, insecurities, and vulnerabilities of each.

Couples therapy for jealousy may include both individual and joint sessions so that each member of the relationship feels heard. The therapist might ask when the jealous feelings entered the relationship to pinpoint what is causing them. In therapy, the couple might also be asked how their relationship was going when the feelings of jealousy began. For instance, was one partner particularly busy at work during that time?

Once the couple identifies when and how the jealousy began, the therapist may help them explore each other’s experiences and viewpoints. This process may help both partners in the relationship minimize unhealthy feelings of jealousy while strengthening their bond.

How to Stop Being Jealous

If you are dealing with feelings of jealousy and don’t want to feel that way, you are not alone. While jealousy can be an unpleasant emotion, taking healthy steps to resolve it is often enough to help. Some tips to help you overcome jealousy include:

• Talking it out: If your feelings of jealousy come from fear of losing a relationship with a loved one, sharing how you feel may help. Open communication can be especially helpful within an intimate relationship.
• Stepping back: Try looking at the situation you’re in from an outsider’s perspective. Do you have any reason to think your loved one will leave you for another person if the opportunity presents itself? If the answer is “no,” addressing why you feel this way by yourself or with a therapist may be a helpful next move.
• Learning to embrace ambiguity: If you experience jealousy that stems from a need to be in control, learning to let go may help dispel those feelings. Exercises that allow people to focus on the present, such as meditation, could help.

People who wish to avoid problematic jealousy in their relationships may find honest communication with partners to be helpful. Trust in a relationship can be strengthened when partners share their insecurities, discuss any vulnerable feelings they may have, and have open discussions about close friendships with people the other partner might perceive as a threat.

Therapy for Jealousy: Case Example

Fearing the loss of a partner: Feng, 43, enters therapy when he begins to experience difficulty eating and sleeping as a result of anxiety, which stems from his belief that his partner, Angus, who is seven years younger, is going to leave him for someone younger and more attractive. Feng tells his therapist that he worries Angus might meet someone else on one of his business trips, which he takes once or twice each month. Feng, who has not discussed his worries with Angus for fear of sounding accusatory or distrustful, admits he has no reason to suspect infidelity and that he trusts Angus but feels that he is getting old and becoming unattractive. After a few sessions with his therapist, Feng’s sense of self-worth has increased, and he is able to accept the fact that, although Angus might meet younger, attractive men, he will not necessarily be interested in any of them. Feng’s therapist suggests some techniques to relieve his anxiety, and Feng’s insomnia is greatly relieved. Eventually, he is able to have a successful discussion with Angus, who encourages Feng to communicate any future insecurities or concerns.

Have you ever wondered if your partner was lying to you about where they were going? Maybe Facebook crept your spouse’s ex? Or ruined a perfectly good evening by accusing your partner of something you’re pretty sure they didn’t even do?

If so, welcome to the jealousy club.

The bottom line is that there is nothing fun about jealousy. It ruins relationships, makes you feel crazy, and gives birth to a hurtful bulb of suspicion that lives inside your heart.

But trying to overcome jealousy can sometimes feel like you’re trying to control a tidal wave. You don’t mean to break the dam, but you can’t help your jealous water from gushing forth.

Nobody wants to be jealous. Jealousy can ruin an otherwise great relationship. It feeds mistrust, damages self-esteem, and rarely does any good. Yet, so many of us are powerless to stop it from overwhelming our thoughts, actions, and speech.

So, what can we do about it? How can you overcome jealousy?

Here are 8 tips for overcoming jealousy in your relationship.

1. Count to Ten

There is nothing fun about catching your partner sending a flirty winky text to someone else or listening to them crush over some hot celeb, but are these things really worth getting upset about?

Whenever your jealousy starts to make you feel angry, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and count to ten. After ten seconds is over, ask yourself if what you’re upset about is really worth ruining your day over.

If you must bring it up, do so calmly. Instead of yelling at your partner or belittling them, simply say, “It makes me a little uncomfortable when you do ___.”

2. Trust Your Instincts

The above tip was designed for people who are dealing with unnecessary jealousy, not for those who have legitimate reasons for being suspicious of their spouse (like partners openly flirting with others, having secret friendships, or lying to you).

How do you know if your partner is being faithful? The bottom line is this: trust your instincts.

Odds are you know if you are overreacting to something silly, but if your gut is telling you that something feels off in your relationship, you’re probably right!

Talk to your partner about how you feel in a way that is calm and respectful, and get to the bottom of what’s eating your relationship.

3. Work on Building Trust

Trust is an essential aspect of a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship. Overcoming jealousy involves having a healthy level of trust.

You build trust as a couple when you:

• Don’t lie to each other
• Are accountable for your actions
• Give the benefit of the doubt
• Express your feelings
• Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want your spouse to do
• Show that you are reliable

By doing these things, you and your spouse will build healthy trust that will make you feel safe and loved in your relationship.

Just remember that nobody is perfect, and there will be times when you and your spouse unintentionally hurt each other – so it won’t hurt either of you to let some things slide every now and again.

4. Boost Self-Love

Jealousy often stems from self-esteem issues. You may not feel worthy of having someone’s unconditional affection or perhaps someone has betrayed your trust in the past and it has left you feeling uncomfortable giving your heart away.

Whatever the case, a healthy relationship stems from healthy levels of self-love. Boosting self-love also helps in overcoming jealousy. You can practice boosting the love and respect you have for yourself by spending time alone and learning to appreciate your own company, treating your body well, and working on self-expansion.

5. Communicate Your Feelings

What you and your partner deem appropriate relationship behavior may be completely different, which is why it’s so important to communicate your feelings openly.

Communicating your feelings well is an important step in overcoming jealousy. Being aware of what actions and behaviors will hurt your partner and vice versa will help you and your spouse build a healthy relationship based on respect.

6. Consider Counseling

Is your jealousy getting the better of your relationship?

Most times jealousy stems from something that happened to you in the past. Perhaps you had a traumatic childhood or someone you trusted emotionally, verbally, or physically hurt you. Whatever the case, therapy can help: What Is Marriage Counseling and How It Helps Relationships

Talking to a professional in-person, via Zoom/Skype, or in a chatroom can help you get to the root of what’s causing you to act out in jealousy.

A therapist can also give you coping mechanisms to deal with anger or jealousy in the future – or they may even validate your feelings and let you know that you may have a legitimate reason for being jealous.

If your partner has done something to make you suspicious of their motives, perhaps having been unfaithful in the past, it may be worth checking out some couples counseling or an online marriage course.

7. Adjust Your Relationship Expectations

One tip for overcoming jealousy is to readjust your expectations for your relationship. Find out here some unrealistic expectations people often have for relationships.

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you’ve lost your ability to find someone else attractive. Noticing someone outside of your current romance doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship or that you’re not committed to your partner.

So long as your partner is not acting on their attraction to someone else, this is nothing to worry about.

Note that adjusting your expectations does not mean lowering your standards. You should not be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.

8. Express Jealousy in a Healthy Way

It’s important to remember that, when expressed in the right away, jealousy doesn’t have to be a bad thing!

Jealousy can actually help couples to:

• Show more appreciation for one another / not take each other for granted
• Increase love and affection
• Promote self-improvement
• Work hard to make each other happy
• Act as a messenger when things don’t seem right

But again, how you express jealousy is going to be the determining factor in how well it helps in your life. If you lash out and yell at your partner, odds are this is not going to improve your relationship. But if you respectfully express your concerns, you and your partner can use jealousy as an opportunity to learn and grow as a couple.

Final Thoughts

Jealousy doesn’t always have to be a bad thing – but if it is, you need to reign it in! You can overcome jealousy in a relationship by working on self-love, communicating respectfully with your spouse, and adjusting your expectations. These will contribute to a happy, healthy relationship.

Who are you texting? Why are you smiling that way? I know I didn’t put that smile on your face, and now I’m jealous. This is a prime example of the shitty feeling of jealousy.

If you’re lucky enough to meet the love of your life, someone you see yourself being with until the end, then odds are, you’re going to be overprotective and want them all to yourself. This is normal.

This is something I’m dealing with in my relationship, and it’s not easy. I want to be better and treat my girlfriend with the respect and space she deserves if she ever needs it without wondering if I might lose her to someone else.

Here are some of the ways I and anyone in a committed relationship can utilize to overcome jealousy and not ruin your beautiful bond.

Every relationship is different, and if you’ve had your heart broken in the past, it can be extremely difficult to open back up. It’s not like you can forget traumatic experiences from the past and not have your guard up.

The thing is, you need to give the person you’re with your trust so that you can both thrive and move past any feelings of jealousy. If your significant other go out or texts someone else, you need to trust that he or she will not make advances.

In many cases, it’s not your partner you don’t trust. It’s the other men and women who see the amazing characteristics of your man or your woman. People out there will do anything to be a homewrecker and completely refuse to acknowledge and respect your relationship.

Our significant others have friends. There are people they connect with. You can’t be the only one, although your connection is most the strongest of them all. Codependency is a tough situation because you feel like you only get happiness from your partner and no one else.

Actionable Advice:

Remind yourself how lucky your partner is to have you. Acknowledge everything you’ve done for one another and recognize that the thoughts of jealousy are irrational and that you can trust them. It may not be easy to get over jealousy on your own, but you have to trust your partner, and you have to trust the process.

When you and your partner both give each other space to do your own thing, it’s a way of allowing both of you to work on yourselves. Take care of yourself and do the things you love in the personal time period because that’s the only way you’ll be able to stop being codependent on one another.

Without space, you get attached and fear losing this person. You’ll see everyone else as a threat when really they’re not. It works both ways because you may feel jealous over an innocent action your partner does, like text another person, and that’s not healthy.

You should be able to let your partner live his or her life while having healthy boundaries and maintaining time to spend together. It’s not always easy to give space, but in order to prevent possessiveness or resentment, personal time is crucial to your relationship.

Actionable Advice:

Personal space is hard when your significant other is also your best friend, but you have to set aside time for you to do you and them to do them. You may want them all to yourself or vice versa, but you’ve got to do what makes you happy and find a way to enjoy it without them. It can be tough, but you must if you care about your relationship.

When you fall in love, it’s easy to block out the rest of the world and only focus on your special significant other. Think back to what you were doing prior to your intense relationship. What did you do for fun? Which friends did you reach out to? Are you still doing these things?

Your partner should be a great part of your life because they’re your woman or they’re your man. Don’t cut everyone else off just because you want to spend all of the time in the world with them. Everything needs a balance. It may be true that you want to share as many experiences as possible with your partner, but you need to be okay doing things on your own or with other people.

Life is an amazing thing because you get to write your own story and do the hobbies or activities you enjoy doing. You should feel happy doing things you love without feeling an empty pain in your chest. Once you’re able to stand on your own two feet and not depend on your partner, you regain confidence in yourself and lessen your clinginess.

Actionable Advice:

Do the things that bring you joy and happiness. Recognize that you have interests, and so does your partner. You have friends, and so does your partner. Don’t let all the noise outside of time spent together to drown out the fact that you’re in love and want your partner all to yourself.

Whether you’re dating, married, or still in the talking phase, jealousy will present itself. Sometimes it’ll present itself when you least expect it. You’ll feel jealous when you know you shouldn’t.

There will be times where you realize it’s irrational, but it’s okay. Make sure to tell your partner how you’re feeling and work on solutions to resolve any tension.

The worst thing you could do is bottle these emotions up and blow up later on down the line. Remember how you lived your life prior to meeting your partner and acknowledging how grateful you are to now have them in your life without feeling the need to be jealous.

Talking about jealousy with your partner will help you both overcome it.

Creating a plan and working towards a solution — now that is how you allow your relationship to flourish.

Editor’s Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question t [email protected]

The emails continue to flood in on the topic of jealousy. Without question, you sounded forth strongly that extra-marital friendships must be entered into cautiously, as there is a great risk of friendship not only creating jealousy, but worse, leading to unfaithfulness.

While many are quick to criticize anyone experiencing jealousy, more often than not there is at least a kernel of truth in many of the accusations of wrongdoing.

Why are we so quick to experience jealousy? The answer resides not only in the current situation, but for some, in their background. For example, if you were raised in a chaotic environment where there was instability in your home, you may be hypersensitive to any hint of instability. Having experienced abandonment by divorce and brokenness in your childhood home, you may be quick to react when you sense any threats to your family/ marital stability now. You may have old wounds needing to be addressed.

One couple who came to The Marriage Recovery Center recently felt very insecure with each other. While there were some “reasons” in their relationship that exacerbated the problem, their early family chaos clearly added to a propensity of feeling insecure. Understanding each other’s early childhood origins helped them keep their mate’s behaviors in perspective.

Even if you had a happy, loving childhood, however, and have escaped instability in adult relationships, it is natural to feel threatened when you perceive a danger to your marriage. We want to protect our relationships, and threats, real or perceived, evoke fear. This is a danger signal and should never be ignored.

And what if your mate, in spite of developing a friendship to a member of the opposite sex, tells you “There’s nothing to be afraid of?” Are you to force yourself to relax and try to settle into the trust they are requesting? Or, can you share with your mate that you still feel threatened, and want precautions to be taken to ease your anxiety?

Again, you’ve voted— strongly.

“Take care of your marriage.”

“Let go of that inner-office friendship with the opposite sex.”

“Build a hedge of protection, showing you value your mate above any other friendship.”

Hear is the strong opinion of one man.

“If a man wants to be friends with another woman, in spite of his wife’s jealousy, he is sending a strong message to his wife. He is saying the friendship is more important than his marriage. His wife or girlfriend is going to get that message and be even more threatened—not less. So, make decisions carefully. In my marriage, I don’t want any appearance of trouble, so steer clear of danger. My wife appreciates it.”

Many problems in relationships are thorny and difficult to resolve. Jealousy, it seems to me, is an easy one to eliminate. In my book, Nine Lifesavers for Every Couple I discuss the following guidelines that should be part of every relationship wanting to eliminate feelings of jealousy in their relationship.

1. Agree that there will be no close relationships with the opposite sex. While a close relationship with the opposite sex certainly doesn’t always lead to danger, a dangerous liaison often begins as a close friendship.

2. Agree that all relationships will be open to discussion. Dangerous friendships almost always contain an element of secrecy. Keep your friendships open to discussion and scrutiny.

3. Agree to always be sensitive to your mate’s feelings, placing them above anything else. Feelings must be accepted and honored. They should never be debated. Be sensitive to your mate’s feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they may be to you.

4. Agree not to scold or judge your mate for their feelings, however unrealistic they may seem to you. Create a safe place in your relationship for feelings to be expressed and protected. Everyone has a right to feel what they feel, and expect those feelings to be heard.

5. Agree to seek immediate solutions. Don’t let jealousy ruin your relationship. This is an easily solved problem—let your mate know their safety and honor is of utmost importance to you.

Are you struggling with jealousy in your relationship? Is your mate sensitive to your feelings? I’d like to hear from others who have overcome problems of jealousy in their relationship, and specifically how they have done it. Please share your concerns with me at [email protected]

where he counsels couples in distress. He is the author of over 30 books, including When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You, Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, and Saying It So He’ll Listen. His newest books are titled The Relationship Doctor’s Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and The Relationship Doctor’s Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt. Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.

This was a particularly unhealthy relationship, tainted by jealousy and many other issues. While the relationship certainly did not last for much longer, we did manage to recognize and work through his feelings of jealousy together. That’s not to say it is an easy process, but it is doable—especially when you have the advice of therapists, life coaches, and wellness experts. Is jealousy proving to threaten your relationship? Follow these 4 professional tips for overcoming those feelings and fostering a healthy relationship once more:

1) Contemplate your insecurities.

Marriage and family therapist Dr. Racine Henry says the primary step to overcoming jealousy is to consider your insecurities: “Begin by asking yourself what you believe your shortcomings are as an individual and in a relationship. Do you feel unattractive? Are you self-conscious about the money you make? By working on your low self-esteem and improving your own opinion of who you are, you will feel less threatened within your relationship.” Once you’ve done this, you can move on to establish trust with your partner, but first with yourself, according to Dr. Henry: “You need to trust yourself and your own instincts so that you’re able to trust another person.”

2) Channel envy into motivation.

“I believe that we can transform feelings of jealousy by choosing to instead focus our energy on finding inspiration in the very thing that we are envious of,” says life and wellness coach Melody Pourmoradi. “When we are jealous, we literally feel blocked, stagnant, and unable to find a way through our negative thought patterns. The next time that jealous feeling comes ups, make every effort to see yourself in the other person and know that their light is only a reflection of the light that already exists inside of you. Believe that if your partner/friend/boss can achieve a certain goal, you also have the ability to attain goals that you wish to achieve. When you shift the way you perceive your jealousy, you too can step out of this fear-based mode and step into a more empowered approach to moving forward and healing your relationship.”

3) Focus on your growth and accomplishments.

Caleb Backe, Health and Wellness Expert at Maple Holistics says the key is to acknowledge feelings of jealousy, but then focus on one’s personal growth: “Many of us go through struggles in each stage of our lives and the fight to escape can take a lifetime, but by looking externally, we are prone to falling into traps of negativity—still with no knowledge of ourselves. In truth, the only way to overcome issues such as jealousy is to look internally and become aware of our true feelings. The best way to move past these troubling feelings is to make time for reflection and to stop valuing ourselves in terms of the external, such as measuring peoples’ successes in superficial proportions of likes and popularity.”

4) Adjust your mindset.

“Jealousy only exists within the scarcity framework. We get jealous if our significant other looks at another opposite-gendered person for too long because we believe that must mean that we’re not attractive enough anymore,” explains Licensed Psychologist Jisun Fisher. She recommends you merely change your mindset to resolve this issue: “When we think about what we want in a relationship, jealousy actually makes sense only if we believe that what we want is limited, or from a zero-sum game. If, instead, we think from a place of abundance, jealousy loses its life-source. As soon as we let go of an obsessive need to possess—because love is abundant—all of a sudden, the experiences that led to the jealousy in the first-place cease to exist.”