How to Help Someone Who Is Dealing with the Suicide of a Loved One

SuicideLine

25-Oct-2017

Discovering that someone you care about has tried to end their life can be a devastating experience. They will need supporting.

You may initially experience emotions such as shock and denial. Sometimes, those close to the suicidal person blame themselves for what has happened, thinking, “if only I’d watched them more closely”. The fact that someone close to you or a loved one has attempted suicide is not your fault.

Common feelings and reactions to a suicide attempt

• Anger: How could they do this to us?
• Shame: I have to keep this secret.
• Guilt: Didn’t I love/watch/listen to them enough?
• Fear: Will they try again?
• Avoidance: If we pretend this didn’t happen, it will go away.
• Minimisation: They are just trying to get attention.
• Cutting off: This is not my problem – someone else can deal with it.

Unhelpful reactions to a suicide attempt

It is important for you to be aware of your own feelings, and avoid reacting in ways that could block communication or cause your loved one to react angrily or withdraw.

Unhelpful responses include:

• Panicking: “This can’t be happening. I don’t know what to do – what do we do?”
• Name-calling: “You’re a real psycho.”
• Criticising: “That was such a stupid thing to do.”
• Preaching or lecturing: “You know you shouldn’t have done that; you should’ve asked for help.”
• Ignoring: “If I just pretend this didn’t happen, it’ll go away.”
• Abandoning the person: “I can’t take this, I have to leave.”
• Punishing the person: “I’m not talking to them until they straighten themselves out.”
• Dramatising: “This is the worst possible thing you could have done!”
• Simplifying things or using a ‘quick-fix’ approach: “You just need some medication, and then you’ll feel yourself again.”
• Being angry or offended: “I can’t believe you’d try that!”
• Making the person feel guilty or selfish: “How did you think this would make me feel?”

What to say to someone who has attempted suicide

Often people report that they find it difficult to support someone who has attempted suicide because they feel they don’t know what to say. It can be hard to find the right words when you’re feeling overwhelmed and emotional yourself.

Create a ‘safe space,’ where the person feels loved, cared about, accepted, supported and understood. Letting the person know you support them, and asking open-ended questions, can help to open the lines of communication.

The following suggestions may serve as prompts:

• I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so awful. I’m so glad you’re still here.
• I’m here for you. Remember that you can always talk to me if you need to.
• I want to help you. Tell me what I can do to support you.

Supporting someone who has attempted suicide:

• Be available and let the person know you will listen. It is vital to create a ‘safe space’ for the person to talk – this helps to build or re-establish trust between you and the person you are concerned about.
• Try to understand the feelings and perspective of the person before exploring solutions together.
• It may be advisable to remove possible means to suicide, including drugs and alcohol, to keep the person safe.
• Support the person in exploring and developing realistic plans and solutions to deal with their emotional pain. In order to let go of suicide as a solution, they will need to see real changes in their life. It is usually a case of making small steps in the beginning, as the person’s difficulties haven’t been created overnight.
• It is important for the suicidal person to assume as much responsibility as possible for their own welfare as they are capable of at that time. This might be difficult for you to consider, as you might not feel able to trust your loved one at the moment.
• Enlist the help of others and make sure you get family and friends to assist you to support the person.
• Remember that you do not have to fill the role of counsellor, psychiatrist or doctor yourself. Encourage your loved one to utilise the professional supports available to them.
• Consider assisting the person to write a safety plan or to download the ReMinder app that will detail the steps they need to take to keep themselves safe if they feel suicidal. Having a concrete plan in place may help both of you feel more prepared and in control about the possibility of future suicidal thoughts.

Telling other people about the suicide attempt

Unfortunately, there is still a degree of stigma surrounding suicide. This may make it difficult to talk about your loved one’s suicide attempt, as you may fear that you or they will be judged or criticised.

It is important to remember that it is up to you who you choose to tell about the situation, and how much you reveal to them.

You may find it helpful to prepare something to say when asked about the suicide attempt, such as a simple: ‘yes, it’s a difficult time for us, but we’re getting him/her the support he/she needs.’

Speaking to people who have also been in similar situations, such as through a carers’ support group, may offer you a source of non-judgemental support and understanding.

Looking after yourself

Supporting someone who has attempted suicide can be emotionally draining, stressful and exhausting. It is impossible to watch over someone 24/7.

It is vital that you look after yourself and get the support you need. This is not something you need to deal with alone.

Ensure you have adequate support systems in place yourself. Identify trusted family members or friends that you can talk to, or join a local support group.

If you are finding it difficult to deal with the strain of the situation, you may also wish to consider counselling or other professional support for yourself. SuicideLine Victoria provides free professional, anonymous support 24 hours a day seven days a week across Victoria. Each counsellor provides specialist telephone or online counselling to anyone affected by suicide. If you are thinking about suicide, worried about someone, have lost someone to suicide and need to talk, call us on 1300 651 251.

Further reading if you are concerned about someone

• Why suicide? Why do people think about suicide?
• Recognising suicide warning signs
• Supporting someone who may be thinking about suicide
• Supporting someone after a suicide attempt

Don’t let it build up. If you’re concerned about your emotional or mental health, call SuicideLine Victoria on 1300 651 251. Our professional counsellors are available 24/7. If it is an emergency, call 000.

It’s never an easy thing to lose a loved one. When someone takes their own life, however, it can present its own set of challenges. Here, we’ll discuss how to cope with this particularly difficult type of loss.

Clearing Up Some Myths About Suicide

Suicide is very commonly misunderstood. As a result, it has a large stigma that not only hinders the grieving process, but can keep people from seeking the help they need in the first place. Here are some facts you may or may not have known about suicide:

• Mental illness can (but doesn’t always) increase suicide risk: Often times, we try to interpret suicide as a symptom of depression. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention explains that this is sometimes the case . However, it is equally true that intense stress, traumatic events, substance abuse, or serious and chronic pain can lead someone to take their own life.
• Anyone can be a victim of suicide: While the AFSP says that white males in particular are at a higher risk of suicide statistically, there 40,600 lives lost to suicide in 2012, which included men and women of all ethnicities and age ranges. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
• Suicide doesn’t peak during the holidays. Contrary to popular belief, the holiday season is not an outstanding cause of suicide, which may be a bit of a comfort as the holidays approach. According to the Center for Disease Control , suicide is actually at its lowest rate in December. Suicide rates actually tend to spike during the Spring and Fall.

4 Oct 2016 — 2 min read

Tagged

• Loss Survivors,
• Loss and Healing

Sharing my Personal Experience with Suicide at the White House

Suicide is a Drag

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Watching a loved one struggle with the pain and devastation of losing someone to suicide can make you feel utterly helpless. You might want to reach out, but hesitate because you don’t know what to say or do, and perhaps worry you might somehow make them feel worse. Here are 10 ways we recommend to support a loved one who has lost someone to suicide:

1. Refrain from saying “I know how you feel” unless you are also a suicide loss survivor. Instead, something like, “I don’t know what to say: I have no idea what you’re going through, but I care about you and I want to be here for you,” will be more honest and meaningful.

1. Read about suicide loss. You’ll better understand what your loved one is experiencing, and in the process might discover helpful information you can share with them.

1. Don’t wait for your loved one to ask you for help; they may be too deep in their grief to realize what they need. Rather than saying, “Let me know if I can help,” do something specific for them, like shop for groceries, offer to babysit, bring dinner to their home, etc.
2. Help connect your loved one with other suicide loss survivors through International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day, AFSP’s Healing Conversations program, and bereavement support groups.(When appropriate, consider offering to accompany them to an event so that they don’t feel so alone.)

1. Many people find that professional counseling helps them deal with their grief in a healthy way. Help your loved one search for a therapist, schedule appointments, etc.
2. Don’t be afraid to speak the name of the person who died. Your loved one will be grateful for the opportunity to reminisce.

1. Knowing what to expect and learning from someone else’s experience can help both you and your loved one get through the more difficult times.
2. Just be there. Sit with them. Watch TV or a movie. Listen to music. Go for a walk together.
3. Be patient. This experience has changed your loved one’s life forever. The weeks and months following the funeral, when the initial shock wears off and the full reality of what has happened sinks in, may be the toughest for them. Continue to check in, and let them know you are thinking of them, that you’re there for them, and that you want to listen.

1. Most importantly, be sure to remind your friend of their self-care needs: get plenty of rest, eat nutritiously, etc.

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Tips for grieving adults, children, and schools dealing with a death by suicide.

Death by suicide is always a tragic event. It can trigger a host of complicated and confusing emotions. Whether you are coping with the loss of a loved one or are helping a child or adult navigate such a loss, these tools can help.

How to cope when a friend or loved one dies by suicide

Accept your emotions. You might expect to feel grief and despair, but other common feelings include shock, denial, guilt, shame, anger, confusion, anxiety, loneliness, and even, in some cases, relief. Those feelings are normal and can vary throughout the healing process.

Don’t worry about what you “should” feel or do. There’s no standard timeline for grieving and no single right way to cope. Focus on what you need, and accept that others’ paths might be different from yours.

Care for yourself. Do your best to get enough sleep and eat regular, healthy meals. Taking care of your physical self can improve your mood and give you the strength to cope.

Draw on existing support systems. Accept help from those who have been supports in the past, including your family, your friends, or members of your faith-based community.

Talk to someone. There is often stigma around suicide, and many loss survivors suffer in silence. Speaking about your feelings can help.

Join a group. Support groups can help you process your emotions alongside others who are experiencing similar feelings. People who don’t think of themselves as support group types are often surprised by how helpful such groups can be.

Talk to a professional. Psychologists and other mental health professionals can help you express and manage your feelings and find healthy coping tools.

Talking to children and teens about death by suicide

Parents, teachers, school administrators, and other adults in a child’s life often feel unprepared to help a young person cope with a death by suicide. These strategies can help you foster open dialogue and offer support.

Deal with your own feelings first. Pause to reflect on and manage your own emotions so you can speak calmly to the child or children in your life.

Be honest. Don’t dwell on details of the act itself, but don’t hide the truth. Use age-appropriate language to discuss the death with children.

Validate feelings. Help the child put names to her emotions: “It sounds like you’re angry,” or “I hear you blaming yourself, but this is not your fault.” Acknowledge and normalize the child’s feelings. Share your own feelings, too, explaining that while each person’s feelings are different, it’s okay to experience a range of emotions.

Avoid rumors. Don’t gossip or speculate about the reasons for the suicide. Instead, when talking to a child or teen, emphasize that the person who died was struggling and thinking differently from most people.

Tailor your support. Everyone grieves at his or her own pace and in his or her own way. Some people might need privacy as they work through their feelings. Respect their privacy, but check in regularly to let them know they don’t have to grieve alone. Other children might want someone to talk to more often. Still others prefer to process their feelings through art or music. Ask the child how they’d like you to help. Let them know it’s okay to just be together.

Extend the conversation. Use this opportunity to reach out to others who might be suffering. Ask children: How can you and your peers help support each other? Who else can you reach out to for help? What can you do if you’re struggling with difficult emotions?

Tips for schools

Handle the announcement with care. Schools should not report the cause of a death as suicide if the information hasn’t been released by the family or reported in the media. When discussing a student’s death by suicide, avoid making announcements over the public address system. It’s helpful if teachers read the same announcement to each classroom, so that students know everyone is getting the same information.

Identify students who need more support. These can include friends of a student who died by suicide, those who were in clubs or on teams with the deceased, and those who are dealing with life stressors similar to the stressors experienced by the deceased. Less obviously, peers who had unfriendly relationships with the deceased—including those who teased or bullied the deceased or were bullied by the deceased. These students may also have complicated feelings of guilt and regret that require extra support.

Prevent imitation. Researchers have found news stories that use graphic language, sensationalize the death, or explicitly describe the method of suicide can increase the risk of additional deaths by suicide. When talking to children, avoid graphic details and focus instead on hope, healing, and the value of the person when they were alive.

Minimize positive attention. Dedicating special events to the deceased can make him or her seem like a celebrity. Vulnerable children might see such attention and think suicide is a way to be noticed. Instead of memorials, consider acknowledging the death through events such as suicide awareness walks or campaigns.

Choose words carefully. To protect peers who may also have suicidal thoughts, avoid phrases such as “She’s no longer suffering,” or “He’s in a better place.” Instead, focus on positive aspects of the person’s life. Avoid the term “committed suicide,” and instead use “died by suicide.”

Keep the lines of communication open. Help students identify adults they can trust and other resources they can draw on if they struggle with sadness or with their own suicidal feelings. Make sure students know where they can turn for help, not only after this loss, but in the months and years to come.

Finding help

If you or a child in your life is grieving a death by suicide, a psychologist can help you express and manage your feelings and find healthy ways to cope. Clinical psychologists are professionals trained to identify mental, emotional, and behavioral problems or challenges and find solutions for handling them. To find a licensed psychologist in your area, use our Psychologist Locator.

Resources

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
  1-800-273-TALK (8255)
• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
• American Association of Suicidology: Directory of Support Groups
• Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide

The American Psychological Association gratefully acknowledges psychologists Mary Alvord, PhD, Nadine Kaslow, PhD, Shane Owens, PhD, and Robin Gurwitch, PhD, for their help with this fact sheet.

Trying to help someone deal with a death is awkward and difficult and suicide is a million times worse matter. People who have lost loved ones not due to ordinary death, but something as painful and awful as suicide, don’t just have grief weighing on their shoulders – they are experiencing anger, guilt, confusion, shock, horror and trauma that goes beyond the “normal” after emotions of a death. They may not have known that their loved one was unhappy; they may be angry for being left behind; they may feel guilty and hate themselves for not being able to prevent it. The victims of suicide are not just limited to the people who committed it – suicide leaves a lifelong mark on all those who witnessed it.

Although that is a painful position to be in, someone who is trying to help somebody who has lost their loved one in this horrible way. Every person’s emotions and reactions are different, which is exactly what makes it so hard to comfort them. Should you talk it through with them, or try to take it off their mind? Should you reassure them, or try to avoid the subject? Should you let them cry, or try to make them heal? Helping someone who has lost a loved one through suicide is not only awkward and difficult like natural death, but also Write a Confusing Code , and at times, painful. However, it is not impossible. Here are the basic ways to support someone trying to cope with the suicide of a friend, family member or generally a loved one.

There is much written about coping with life after a suicide and the deep impact this leaves on family members, friends and partners. However, less is written on the impact of an attempted suicide, and how we can be left thrown off balance with raw and unpredictable feelings. When someone we love tries to take their own life, but either fails or were stopped by someone, we can be left feeling disjointed and lost for years.

This article aims to explore the impact of an attempted suicide and discuss how people often react in the wake of such a traumatic event. It also aims to look at how to offer support and how therapy can help.

The impact of an attempted suicide

After hearing that a loved one attempted suicide there is a sense of numbness, as if life is not real, or that it must be happening to someone else. The experience of an attempted suicide is traumatic for all involved and the emotional consequences will be huge with repercussions which can continue for years. There will of course be common themes and feelings associated with attempted suicides, and below I have listed some of these.

It may be common to feel some or all of the feelings listed below due to the overwhelming and shocking nature of suicide that leaves us unsure of how we feel, or the nature of our emotions.

Intense anger at our loved one.

Feeling guilty, or that you should have done more to stop what happened.

Anxiety or fear it happen again, and the next time they will succeed.

A sense of shame.

Feeling powerless and helpless.

Feeling let down, hurt and betrayed.

The shocking nature of an attempted suicide brings forth a wide range of negative, angry and for the most part unhelpful reactions. Even though these are completely normal and understandable given the circumstances, it is important to note that these reactions could have more of a negative impact than a positive one, even if they come from a place of genuine love, concern and care.

Panicking – Feeling as if events aren’t real, searching desperately for answers or wishing to know what to do.

Insulting or name-calling – Insulting your loved one or inferring that they are mad or stupid.

Being critical – ‘That was really stupid of you’.

Lecturing or preaching – ‘How could you have done such a thing, why didn’t you ask for help, or contact me!’

Ignoring the issue – ‘If I pretend this hasn’t happened, or isn’t real, then I will not have to deal with it’.

Punishing – Threatening to cut someone out of your life until they improve, seek help or get better.

Over dramatising – ‘This is the worst thing that you could have EVER done, it will rip our family apart’.

Seeking a quick fix – ‘You just need a good night’s sleep and some medicine, then you’ll be right as rain’.

Making the person feel guilty, ashamed or selfish – ‘I cannot believe you would do such a thing, how did you think that I would feel. Didn’t you consider MY feelings?’.

What do I say?

It might seem difficult to provide support for someone after their attempted suicide and it can feel as though there are no words that will match the sadness of the situation. On top of this, you yourself will be feeling overwhelmed, shocked and emotional.

However, it is possible to approach the subject and both support your loved one, as well as manage the moment yourself. Creating a safe space where your loved one knows that they are cared for, supported and loved will make a huge difference. Asking open-ended questions can help to bring about communication. Below I have listed some ways to begin a conversation about an attempted suicide.

‘I am so sorry that you have been feeling so low, but I am so glad that you are still here.’

‘I am here for you now, and remember that I am always here if you ever need to talk.’

I would like to help you, so please tell me how I can best do that. If that means just sitting here, that’s alright too.’

How to offer support

Make yourself available to listen and let your loved one know they are in a safe space. This enables trust to be re-established between your loved one.

Try to understand their feelings and perspective before seeking a resolution or solution.

Assist them in seeking, developing and exploring realistic ways of managing their difficulties.

Help people to make small changes in the beginning.

Assist them in assuming as much responsibility for their own well-being as they are capable of managing. This may be difficult because you may not feel able to trust your loved one yet.

How therapy can help

There will no doubt be a wide range of emotions, feelings and thoughts raised in the wake of a suicide, many of these may be upsetting, confusing and overwhelming. Talking therapies can be useful for the friends, family and loved ones of the person who attempted suicide, as well as for the individual themselves.

Therapy provides a safe non-judgemental space to fully explore the suicide and its aftermath, and gain understanding of how you now feel and have been affected. Therapy will of course not be an easy process for anyone, but bringing thoughts, feelings and ideas into the open is much safer than bottling them up and shutting them away.

Moving forward

I have listed some ways in which people can support their loved one in the aftermath of an attempted suicide, and it will be a long process to recovery for all involved, and of course, taking each day as it comes will be crucial. The long lasting impact of a traumatic event such as an attempted suicide may well reside for many years, but through being open and talking about the impact it has had, will allow for healing to eventually take place.

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

When it was revealed that actor/comedian Robin Williams took his own life in early August 2014, millions of people were in shock. For Williams’ family, friends, and fans alike, the news was devastating, but perhaps one of the most startling realizations about the incident—despite Williams regularly appearing in front of people worldwide for nearly four decades—was that no one saw it coming.

The subject of suicide is often portrayed as taboo, making it an extremely difficult topic for many to discuss. But people of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, ethnicities, socioeconomic statuses, and physical capabilities are at risk for suicide. Suicide affects both the strong and the weak. It can touch anyone.

As family members, friends, and confidants, we have a responsibility to assist the people we care about. September is recognized as National Suicide Prevention Month, which presents an opportunity to learn as much as we can about this sensitive, yet urgent, issue. How can we discern if someone we love is having suicidal thoughts, and how can we take preventative action?

Where Do Suicidal Thoughts Come From?

For people who have never seriously contemplated ending their own lives, it is challenging to understand the mind-set of an individual with suicidal ideation. As the 10th-leading cause of death in the United States according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), however, understanding where suicidal thoughts come from is necessary if we want to help individuals contemplating suicide.

Find a Therapist

People who are suicidal often do not know how to obtain help. While prolonged suffering is typical in suicide-related cases, it is important to remember that suicidal persons are not always merely trying to escape pain. Most genuinely believe that there is no good reason to continue living and that the world will be a better place without them.

Identifying Common Risk Factors for Suicide

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), 90% of people who die by suicide are experiencing a mental health issue at the time of their deaths. Depression is one of the most common factors attached to suicidal ideation, but people who experience bipolar tendencies or other mood-altering conditions are also at higher risk. Psychosis, excessive alcohol consumption, and the use of mind-altering drugs are other factors which can increase impulsivity and heighten the risk of suicide.

The highest rates of suicide occur among adults between the ages of 45 and 64, followed closely by adults 85 and older. Children, too, can become suicidal; one in 65,000 children ages 10-14 dies by suicide each year in the U.S. Issues such as the death of a parent, divorce, bullying, sexual abuse, or social exclusion can increase the likelihood of suicide among preteens. The main concern in these cases is that parents and teachers often believe that young children will not attempt suicide.

Regarding the possibility of pre-adolescent suicide, Baez said, “I have seen children as young as six who attempt suicide—usually in an ineffective way at that age. However, the intent is there, and that’s what matters. That’s what we have to address.”

The Importance of Therapy in Suicide Prevention

Therapy is one of the best tools for suicide prevention. Mental health professionals usually approach the situation in one of two ways: by targeting the conditions underlying a person’s suicidal thoughts (depression, for example), or by targeting a person’s suicidal ideations directly.

Two prominent types of therapy for suicide prevention are dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Dialectical behavior therapy helps individuals make lifestyle changes that minimize suicidal thoughts and helps people maintain control over emotions. Cognitive behavioral therapy, meanwhile, teaches suicide prevention skills and encourages the application of learned skills even if the individual is in an activated state of suicidal ideation.

Suicide Prevention Strategies You Can Use

If a family member or friend expresses suicidal thoughts, do not ignore them. They might desperately need your help. Here are a few tactful steps you can take to help a loved one at risk for suicide:

• Ask questions in a mild and sincere manner.
• Explain why you are asking questions.
• Express that your loved one is not alone. Tell them you are there for them and will continue to be there.
• If the individual is not comfortable speaking with you, suggest a qualified third party such as a therapist, spiritual leader, or doctor.
• Do not passively tell the person to just call a hotline; lead the person to helpful resources such as suicide hotlines and local mental health associations.
• Help the person schedule and keep appointments with a mental health professional, even if the individual no longer feels suicidal.

With National Suicide Prevention Month in full swing, take full advantage of the many articles, seminars, webinars, and other programs on suicide prevention. Suicide can affect anyone, and being prepared can help save lives.

If your loved one is struggling with depression, you may feel confused, frustrated and distraught yourself. Maybe you feel like you’re walking on eggshells because you’re afraid of upsetting them even more. Maybe you’re at such a loss that you’ve adopted the silent approach. Or maybe you keep giving your loved one advice, which they just aren’t taking.

Depression is an insidious, isolating disorder, which can sabotage relationships. And this can make not knowing how to help all the more confusing.

But your support is significant. And you can learn the various ways to best support your loved one. Below, Deborah Serani, PsyD, a psychologist who’s struggled with depression herself, shares nine valuable strategies.

1. Be there.

According to Serani, the best thing you can do for someone with depression is to be there. “When I was struggling with my own depression, the most healing moments came when someone I loved simply sat with me while I cried, or wordlessly held my hand, or spoke warmly to me with statements like ‘You’re so important to me.’ ‘Tell me what I can do to help you.’ ‘We’re going to find a way to help you to feel better.’”

2. Try a small gesture.

If you’re uncomfortable with emotional expression, you can show support in other ways, said Serani, who’s also author of the excellent book Living with Depression .

She suggested everything from sending a card or a text to cooking a meal to leaving a voicemail. “These gestures provide a loving connection [and] they’re also a beacon of light that helps guide your loved one when the darkness lifts.”

3. Don’t judge or criticize.

What you say can have a powerful impact on your loved one. According to Serani, avoid saying statements such as: “You just need to see things as half full, not half empty” or “I think this is really all just in your head. If you got up out of bed and moved around, you’d see things better.”

These words imply “that your loved one has a choice in how they feel – and has chosen, by free will, to be depressed,” Serani said. They’re not only insensitive but can isolate your loved one even more, she added.

4. Avoid the tough-love approach.

Many individuals think that being tough on their loved one will undo their depression or inspire positive behavioral changes, Serani said. For instance, some people might intentionally be impatient with their loved one, push their boundaries, use silence, be callous or even give an ultimatum (e.g., “You better snap out of it or I’m going to leave”), Serani said. But consider that this is as useless, hurtful and harmful as ignoring, pushing away or not helping someone who has cancer.

5. Don’t minimize their pain.

Statements such as“You’re just too thin-skinned” or “Why do you let every little thing bother you?” shame a person with depression, Serani said. It invalidates what they’re experiencing and completely glosses over the fact that they’re struggling with a difficult disorder – not some weakness or personality flaw.

6. Avoid offering advice.

It probably seems natural to share advice with your loved one. Whenever someone we care about is having a tough time, we yearn to fix their heartache.

But Serani cautioned that “While it may be true that the depressed person needs guidance, saying that will make them feel insulted or even more inadequate and detach further.”

What helps instead, Serani said, is to ask, “What can we do to help you feel better?” This gives your love one the opportunity to ask for help. “When a person asks for help they are more inclined to be guided and take direction without feeling insulted,” she said.

7. Avoid making comparisons.

Unless you’ve experienced a depressive episode yourself, saying that you know how a person with depression feels is not helpful, Serani said. While your intention is probably to help your loved one feel less alone in their despair, this can cut short your conversation and minimize their experience.

8. Learn as much as you can about depression.

You can avoid the above missteps and misunderstandings simply by educating yourself about depression. Once you can understand depression’s symptoms, course and consequences, you can better support your loved one, Serani said.

For instance, some people assume that if a person with depression has a good day, they’re cured. According to Serani, “Depression is not a static illness. There is an ebb and flow to symptoms that many non-depressed people misunderstand.” As she explained, an adult who’s feeling hopeless may still laugh at a joke, and a child who’s in despair may still attend class, get good grades and even seem cheerful.

“The truth is that depressive symptoms are lingering elsewhere, hidden or not easy to see, so it’s important to know that depression has a far and often imperceptible range,” Serani said.

9. Be patient.

Serani believes that patience is a pivotal part of supporting your loved one. “When you’re patient with your loved one, you’re letting them know that it doesn’t matter how long this is going to take, or how involved the treatments are going to be, or the difficulties that accompany the passage from symptom onset to recovery, because you will be there,” she said.

And this patience has a powerful result. “With such patience, comes hope,” she said. And when you have depression, hope can be hard to come by.

Sometimes supporting someone with depression may feel like you’re walking a tight rope. What do I say? What do I not say? What do I do? What do I not do?

But remember that just by being there and asking how you can help can be an incredible gift.

If you have a friend who has lost a loved one to suicide, you may be wondering how to be there for them. You’re not alone. In 2017, 47,173 people in the United States died by suicide, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), leaving behind many loved ones in need of solace as they grieve and attempt to heal. Although suicide is tragically common, we as a society are often not great at talking about it, especially with those who are survivors of suicide loss.

“Because of the taboo and stigma attached historically to [suicide], too many people think that they should not bring it up at all,” grief counselor and educator Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., founder-director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, tells SELF.

This can give your friend the devastating and isolating sense that they’ve been abandoned at a time when they most need support. “Survivors [can] feel that not only do they have to manage the loss of their loved one, they have to manage [losing other] friends and family members,” clinical psychologist Vanessa McGann, Ph.D., suicide loss division chair for the American Association of Suicidology, tells SELF.

Choosing to talk about your friend’s loss despite any uncertainty, helplessness, or discomfort you may feel is an act of love. While every loss is different and there are no lines of dialogue that will apply to everyone, suicide bereavement counselors do have some recommendations for what to say in this awful circumstance—and what not to say too.

The following phrases may offer comfort:

This is a good sentiment to express when a friend’s loved one dies from any cause, including suicide. Yes, losing a loved one to suicide can be very different from other kinds of death in various ways. But your friend has suffered a grave loss either way. Not acknowledging this can make your friend feel shunned and perpetuate stigma around suicide.

“The first thing is to not treat suicide as if it’s so weird or different or special that you don’t say anything,” clinical psychologist and grief counselor Jack Jordan, Ph.D., tells SELF. “Treat [your friend] as you would treat anybody you care about who is grieving and in pain.”

So, offer your condolences. Attend the funeral if you can. Send flowers and a handwritten note. “All of these acknowledge that something really tragic has happened for the person, and it communicates that you’re really willing to be there for the person rather than, ‘This is too difficult and awkward to talk about,’ ” Jordan explains.

Explicitly mentioning the person who died is a subtle but effective way to convey your support. This tip might seem obvious, but the experts note that many people in this situation avoid saying the name of the person who died (or avoid referring to them by their relationship to the bereaved friend, like “your mom”). Acknowledging who your friend lost instead of treading around it may help them feel as though their loved one isn’t going to be forgotten.

Many myths about suicide persist, like that it’s a “selfish” act that needs to be hidden. Many survivors of suicide loss have internalized this stigma. They may be reluctant to speak about the experience for fear of being judged or making someone uncomfortable.

“People who lost someone to suicide are often looking for cues from the people around them,” Jordan explains. Instead of assuming your friend knows they can talk to you, make that explicitly clear. Communicate that suicide is not a taboo subject for you, and give your friend permission to express their feelings without fear of criticism, Wolfelt says.

Samantha Seigler, 29, lost her younger brother to suicide seven years ago. “I liked having somebody to talk to about it,” she tells SELF, explaining that it can be as simple as someone asking, “How are you doing?” or, “Do you want to tell me how you’re feeling?”

Whether your friend is preoccupied with what’s on their plate or still in shock, they might not be ready to talk about the suicide yet. “You don’t always have time to grieve right away,” Samantha says. “For me, it didn’t hit for a while.”

If that’s the case for your friend, they will probably give you a cue to back off and wait, Wolfelt says. Honor that. “Let them know you are ready to listen if and when they want to share,” Wolfelt says. And you can always ask again later or reiterate your availability. “Stay steady in your efforts,” Wolfelt says.

Don’t underestimate the power of simple favors. “Taking something off their to-do list can be invaluable,” McGann says.

It’s most helpful if you are proactive instead of just saying, “I’m here if you need anything,” which puts the onus of asking for help on the person who is grieving, McGann says. A few ideas: Bring prepared food, clean the kitchen, help sort mail, babysit, give their kids a ride—whatever you can do to make their life even a tiny bit easier.

In addition to providing practical support, you’re showing how much you care about your friend at a time when it’s hard to come up with comforting things to say. “Sometimes, when words are inadequate, actions can be a symbol of nurturing and love,” Wolfelt says.

Samantha appreciated all of the offers to help her take care of tasks from organizing the funeral to making meals in the weeks following her brother’s death. “Not having to worry about things like that was such a big sense of relief,” she says.

“Usually what people grieving this loss want to do, especially after they get past the initial shock and confusion, is to remember the person’s life—not just their death,” Jordan says. “They are thinking of their loved one all the time,” McGann explains. “It is most likely a relief to get an invitation to open up.”

This was Samantha’s experience. “One of the best things was people telling me stories about my brother,” she says. “Hearing what they loved about him, that people had a good relationship with him, moments they had with him that I didn’t know about…that never got old. I didn’t want people to remember him by his death or have that define him. It was more about what happened when he was alive.”

If you can’t get a sense of whether or not your friend would appreciate hearing a memory, you can always ask first, McGann says. Say something like, “I was thinking about a memory of [their loved one’s name]. Can I share it with you?”

It’s not unusual for a survivor of suicide loss to be flooded with concern and support right after the death, then to watch everyone go back to business as usual a week or two later, Jordan says. In combination with our culture’s general hush-hush conventions about grief and suicide, this decline in support can make many people who have lost someone to suicide feel pressured to “get over” the death, Wolfelt says.

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If you have lost a loved one to suicide, you are not alone. There are resources available to help survivors of suicide loss cope.

How To Take Care Of Yourself

A loved one’s suicide is a challenging, confusing, and painful experience. If you’re struggling, the Lifeline is always here to help.

Find a support group: You don’t have to cope with your loss alone. There are support groups specifically for those who have lost a loved one to suicide.

Do what feels right to you: Don’t feel pressured to talk right away. If you choose to discuss your loss, speaking can give your friends and family the opportunity to support you in an appropriate way.

Write: You may find it helpful to write your feelings or to write a letter to your lost loved one. This can be a safe place for you to express some of the things you were not able to say before the death.

Ask for help: Don’t be afraid to let your friends provide support to you, or to look for resources in your community such as therapists, co-workers, or family members.

How to Help

Supporting someone who has lost a loved one can feel overwhelming and complex. There are ways to help.

Accept their feelings: Loss survivors grapple with complex feelings after the death of a loved one by suicide, such as fear, grief, shame, and anger. Accept their feelings and be compassionate and patient, and provide support without criticism.

Use sensitivity during holidays and anniversaries: Events may bring forth memories of the lost loved one, and emphasize this loved one’s absence.

Use the lost loved one’s name: Use the name of the person who has died when talking to survivors. This shows that you have not forgotten this important person, and can make it easier to discuss a subject that is often stigmatized.

How To.

• Help Someone Struggling With a Mental Health Condition
• Encourage Your Loved One To Get Help
• Talk to Your Teen About Self-Harm
• Reach Out to Someone Struggling With an Eating Disorder
• Reach Out to Someone Abusing Substances
• Help Someone Stay on Their Depression Medication
• Talk About Your Diagnosis
• Encourage Your Teen To Talk About Their Mental Health

Often people report that they find it difficult to support someone who has attempted suicide because they feel they don’t know what to say. It can be extremely difficult to find the right words when you’re feeling devastated, overwhelmed, upset, or even confused yourself. Though you may not know exactly what to say, try to create an environment where the person feels accepted, supported, safe and understood. Letting the person know you support them, and asking open-ended questions, can help to open the lines of communication.

Here are some ideas on how to get the conversation started:

• I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so awful. I’m so glad you’re still here.
• I’m here for you. Remember that you can always talk to me if you need to.
• I want to help you. What can I do to support you?

How To Support Someone Who Has Attempted Suicide

Before anything else, you want to ensure that your loved one is safe. It would be advisable to remove possible means to suicide, including drugs and alcohol, to keep the person safe.

Remember that you do not have to fill the role of counselor, psychiatrist, or doctor yourself. Encourage your loved one to utilize the professional support available to them. Enlist the help of others and make sure you get family and friends to assist you to support the person.

Learn about what to say and not to say to someone after a suicide attempt. Also, keep in mind that these are just some examples and everyone’s needs and reactions may be different so adjust your language according to your loved one.

For example, say:

• • I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
  • I am always just a phone call away.
  • We all need help at times like this, I am here for you.
  • I am usually up early or late. If you need anything I am always here for you.
  • How can I be here for you?
  • Say nothing and just be there to listen.

• • Why did you do this?
  • Your life is so precious.
  • Everything in your life is great.
  • People have it worse than you.
  • Do you have any idea of how sad we would be if you were gone?

Be available and let the person know you will listen. It is vital to create a safe space for the person to talk – this helps build or re-establish trust between you and the person you are concerned about. Know that asking someone directly about suicide does not trigger suicidal ideation or action, it is often the most effective way to open up constructive dialogue.

Support the person in exploring and developing realistic plans and solutions to deal with their emotional pain. In order to let go of suicide as a solution, they will need to see real changes in their life. It is usually a case of making small steps in the beginning, as the person’s difficulties haven’t been created overnight. Even helping them start with small tasks can be important such as delivering a package or cleaning out a closet.

Work with your friend, an adult, and a mental health professional on a safety plan in the event that your friend starts to feel suicidal again. Having a concrete plan in place may help both of you feel more prepared and in control about the possibility of future suicidal thoughts.

Familiarize yourself with the warning signs of suicidal thoughts.

If you are in college and a friend attempts suicide or has thoughts of harming themselves or others, reach out to your school’s counseling service and get help from confidential resources.

Being far away from family in college can feel like you have to fill the parent role for your friend. Remember that there are several resources at school and in the community that will support you and your friend.

You may want to reach out to your friend’s family. Use common sense when reaching out to others.

tips for telling your friends parents

Sometimes, people have a hard time coming to terms– parents might want to blame it on alcohol or drugs and say that “it is just because they are drinking”.

You might send them resources that they can inform themselves with such as sharing this page with them.

You can also let your friend’s family know that you are here for your friend and keep them updated on the steps you have taken such as reaching out to the school’s counseling services etc.

Telling Other People About The Suicide Attempt

Unfortunately, there is still stigma surrounding suicide. This may make it difficult to talk about your loved one’s suicide attempt, as you may fear that you or they will be judged or criticized.

It is important to remember that it is up to you who you choose to tell about the situation, and how much you reveal to them. You may find it helpful to prepare something to say when asked about your loved one’s suicide attempt, such as a simple: ‘yes, it’s a difficult time for us, but we’re getting him/her the support s/he needs.’

Speaking to people who have also been in similar situations, such as through a carers’ support group, may offer you a source of non-judgemental support and understanding.

Looking After Yourself

Supporting someone who has attempted suicide can be emotionally draining, stressful and exhausting. It is impossible to watch over someone 24/7. It is vital that you look after yourself and get the support you need.

This is not something you need to deal with alone. Ensure you have adequate support systems in place for yourself. Identify trusted family members or friends that you can talk to, or join a local support group. If you are finding it difficult to deal with the strain of the situation, you may also wish to consider seeking counseling or other professional support for yourself.