How to Have a Meaningful Conversation

Too often, a conversation results in wasted time — and nothing productive to show for it. Whether you’ve run into someone at a conference or you have a scheduled call, you can use specific tactics to have a more meaningful conversation. Here are 13 ways to add meaning to your conversations:

1. Don’t get too excited about your next thought.

People can tell when you aren’t truly listening because you just can’t wait to spit your next thought out. Before they’ve finished, you’re already eager to tell them about an amazing experience you had. Make it a point to listen before you speak. If your story’s really interesting, it will still be interesting in five minutes.

2. Ask good questions that show you’re engaged.

One of the best ways to show engagement is by expressing a natural curiosity for what the other person is telling you. Make it a point to ask at least one question before moving on to the next topic. Gathering details makes it more likely that you’ll be able to establish a connection with the other person or find a way you can lend a hand.

3. Do your homework without being creepy.

There’s a thin line between properly preparing yourself for a conversation and being creepy. Before you have a planned conversation, take a look at the person’s LinkedIn or Twitter account to get an idea of his tone, interests, etc. You’re always at an advantage when you know more about a person. It will be easier to relate to him — and you might avoid an awkward conversation or two.

4. Try to genuinely relate.

Some of the most important conversations we have are with those people who have “fan clubs” trying to form relationships with them. They can spot a fake bonding opportunity from a mile away. Don’t force the conversation. Try to hit on something the other person is passionate about that you’re also interested in. That way, the rapport is genuine and the person is more open to talking in-depth about the subject.

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5. Don’t waste people’s time.

Most people appreciate it when you value their time. Sometimes, you can have a more meaningful conversation in 15 minutes than you can in an hour. What’s important to cover is how you can help each other out. Be genuine about delivering value and cut to the chase early.

6. Let people sell themselves.

Always get the other person to talk about himself first. Then, you’ll be able to sell yourself more naturally. If he’s interested in what you have to offer, you can naturally transition into a pitch that interests him — and doesn’t feel forced. A lot of times, a person will self-identify a need right after you talk about what you do.

7. Ask how you can add value.

It’s important to always ask people how you can add value for them. You may think you know what will help them, but they know better than anyone what they value. You’ll be surprised how many opportunities come up to connect people when you know what they actually prioritize.

8. Do what you can to help.

Simply offering a helping hand will differentiate you. Anybody can have a conversation offering to help someone out, but a small percentage actually delivers on their promises. People will value your relationship more when you actually provide what you’ve suggested: a contact, a tool, or even a sounding board.

9. Reach out in meaningful ways.

I recently had my first child, and a variety of people reached out to have a quick conversation expressing their excitement. It meant a lot that they truly cared about a meaningful moment in my life. You stand out when you make it a point to recognize milestones in people’s lives.

10. Decrease personal barriers.

There’s an assumption that you need to be super professional when first talking to someone. In my experience, most people like real conversations that don’t force them to act like people they aren’t. If you see an opportunity to joke around or personalize a conversation, take it — even if it’s early. It will decrease barriers from the start, and the shift will enable you to have a better conversation.

11. Listen and remember key points.

What does she do for fun? What is she passionate about? These things are important to remember. The next time you touch base, ask for an update. If you know she loves to travel, ask her when her next trip is. If it seems like she left an imprint during your last conversation, she’ll take you more seriously.

12. Hold back on sharing how awesome you are.

As a young entrepreneur, I couldn’t stop myself from talking about my accomplishments. However, as I get older, I realize that the most awesome people don’t have to pitch everyone on how awesome they are. People will naturally think you’re awesome as the conversation develops.

13. Recognize other people.

If you’re having a conversation with multiple people, or if someone’s spouse is standing nearby, make a point to include “the outsiders” in the conversation. Too often, people are so focused on speaking to one person that they forget to include someone who could turn into a cheerleader for them after they leave.

Run through this list the next time you go to a conference or event where you’ll encounter a lot of people. The fresher these tips are in your mind, the higher the likelihood that you’ll actually implement them. As a result, you’ll experience far less wasted time — and an increase in opportunities from everyday conversations.

John Hall is the CEO of Influence & Co., a company that assists individuals and brands in growing their influence through products and services ranging from creating and publishing bylined articles to facilitating in residence programs for brands and much more. Influence & Co., one of the leading providers of high quality expert content to the world’s top publications, is the creator of Contributor Weekly. Connect with John on Twitter or Google+.

Everybody knows how to have a conversation because they’ve been having them since they were toddlers. However, most people develop bad habits that almost guarantee that their business conversations will sometimes be meaningless wastes of time.

Here’s a simple four step process for making certain that every work conversation that you have is both meaningful and worth having.

1. Know WHY you’re having the conversation.

Every conversation must have a point, or there’s no point in having it. With friends and family, the “point” is often to simply enjoy each other’s company. You already know how to do that. Hey, relax and have fun.

In business, though, there’s always an agenda to every conversation, even if it seems as if the conversation is only to “get to know” you better (or vice-versa), until such time as your co-worker becomes a friend or a family member.

Therefore, whenever you start a conversation with a co-worker (and this includes customers, bosses, colleagues, and the guy who empties the trash), have an explicit goal in mind. That way you’re less likely to waste time and energy.

Similarly, if somebody opens a conversation with you, it’s worthwhile to wonder why the conversation is happening and why now. It’s not worth obsessing about, but if you’ve got a sense of the “why” it’s easier to get “where” the conversation needs to go.

2. Ignore your “monkey mind.”

The ancient Chinese believed everyone has a “monkey mind” that jumps from thought to thought, like so:

• What is she thinking about me?
• Will I make a sale?
• What if I can’t pay the mortgage?
• Gosh, that wallpaper is ugly.
• I’ve got to get the airport in two hours.
• Etc., etc., etc.

This constant mental noise pulls your attention away from the customer and towards your own perspectives, priorities and goals.

If you listen to your “monkey mind,” you’ll only hear a percentage of what the other person is saying. In all likelihood, you’ll misunderstand and misremember what was said.

3. Acknowledge what you’ve heard.

When the other person has finished speaking, re-describe, and characterize what the other person just said. This confirms that you were really listening to the other person, rather than your internal dialog (“monkey mind”).

It also prevents you from continuing the conversation based upon a misunderstanding. The restatement gives the other person an opportunity to correct your perception or elaborate as necessary to make sure that you “get it.”

4. Think and then respond.

Pause a moment to consider what you heard and have echoed back. Respond with a statement, story, or question that adds to the conversation and moves it closer to its point and purpose.

Having this kind of conversation is both difficult and easy. It’s difficult because some people’s “monkey minds” are the size of King Kong and chatter so loudly that they can’t hear anything else.

However, once you’ve learned to ignore the chatter, this way of listening, reflecting, and talking quickly becomes second nature. And that’s the easy part.

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You talk to people everyday. But do you really feel like you’re communicating? These talks will help you go beyond small talk, to the conversations that nudge along understanding.

Have you ever felt like you’re talking, but nobody is listening? Here’s Julian Treasure to help. In this useful talk, the sound expert demonstrates the how-to’s of powerful speaking — from some handy vocal exercises to tips on how to speak with empathy. A talk that might help the world sound more beautiful.

When your job hinges on how well you talk to people, you learn a lot about how to have conversations — and that most of us don’t converse very well. Celeste Headlee has worked as a radio host for decades, and she knows the ingredients of a great conversation: Honesty, brevity, clarity and a healthy amount of listening. In this insightful talk, she shares 10 useful rules for having better conversations. “Go out, talk to people, listen to people,” she says. “And, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.”

Marc Pachter has conducted live interviews with some of the most intriguing characters in recent American history as part of a remarkable series created for the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery. He reveals the secret to a great interview and shares extraordinary stories of talking with Steve Martin, Clare Booth Luce and more.

As we expect more from technology, do we expect less from each other? Sherry Turkle studies how our devices and online personas are redefining human connection and communication — and asks us to think deeply about the new kinds of connection we want to have.

Brené Brown studies human connection — our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity. A talk to share.

“We spend so much time listening to the things people are saying that we rarely pay attention to the things they don’t,” says poet and teacher Clint Smith. A short, powerful piece from the heart, about finding the courage to speak up against ignorance and injustice.

There’s an angry divisive tension in the air that threatens to make modern politics impossible. Elizabeth Lesser explores the two sides of human nature within us (call them “the mystic” and “the warrior”) that can be harnessed to elevate the way we treat each other. She shares a simple way to begin real dialogue — by going to lunch with someone who doesn’t agree with you, and asking them three questions to find out what’s really in their hearts.

Have you ever wondered: Am I a human being? Ze Frank suggests a series of simple questions that will determine this. Please relax and follow the prompts. Let’s begin …

© TED Conferences, LLC. All rights reserved.

Americans spend a significant portion of their time at work. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics , the average American works 34.5 weekly hours, or roughly 20 percent of each week. Assuming workers get an average of seven hours of sleep a night, that means we spend almost 30 percent of all our waking time on the job.

Given these figures, it’s important to understand why creating a workplace culture that helps employees feel fulfilled will result in greater levels of happiness, as well as improved employee retention rates. This is a complex undertaking, of course, but one effective strategy focuses on the conversations happening at work.

Here’s why meaningful discussions matter, and how to promote them within your office:

Conversations promote intellectual curiosity.

A 2017 State of Company Culture report by Snack Nation found 61 percent of engaged employees said their workplace positively challenged them, while just 12 percent of unengaged workers felt challenged at work. In 2015, a Rackspace survey found that 63 percent of employees believe curiosity plays an important role in business revenue growth.

Meaningful conversations promote intellectual curiosity about the world around us and the part we all play in it. They also encourage dialogue, even in situations where workers attempt to reach a consensus over differing points of view.

An office culture that encourages these conversations empowers employees to learn, feel challenged, and explore the world. This fuels achievement, personal growth, and company productivity.

They energize people and keep them thinking creatively.

Engaging in meaningful conversations about philosophy, economics, or even sports or politics forces us to think creatively. We try to bring new points to the discussion that those around us haven’t heard. Ideally, we listen to others’ arguments with an open and flexible mind.

When they’re conducted in good faith, meaningful conversations are energizing. They can expand your worldview, leaving you better informed and more connected with those around you.

Having meaningful conversations at the office gives employees an opportunity to share ideas, thoughts, and opinions they might not otherwise have the chance to voice. Particularly in the workplace, where most conversations revolve around work itself, encouraging deeper dialogue on other issues helps promote a new kind of energy and a fresh change of pace.

Employees get to know and understand one another’s values and beliefs.

How much do you really know about your co-workers? Most of us know only superficial facts, such as age and marital status. Through discussions that go beyond weekend plans, employees get to know one another on a deeper and more meaningful basis.

Knowing what book someone recently read or what they like to learn about in their free time helps colleagues relate to each other better. It fosters deeper relationships. It also empowers you, the business owner, to better understand your employees, their feelings and their beliefs. This helps power decisions about team structure, assignments, and more.

Participants evolve into catalysts for meaningful change.

As an individual, you have more of an impact than you might imagine. Start by making deeper conversations a workplace norm.

You can begin this by engaging with other employees in meaningful discussions about a variety of different topics and encouraging them to do the same. These can be conversations about history, current events, scientific studies, or just about anything else interesting to you.

Don’t shy away from “difficult” subjects. Remain respectful and approach each conversation from a perspective of true curiosity and openness. You may also want to explore sending out interesting articles to some of your co-workers (as long as the content is thoughtful, not offensive).

Another strategy to encourage meaningful conversation in the workplace is to create a space for it. At one of the startups where I worked, we began a monthly book club for employees. It created space for discussing current events, such as elections or social issues, which helped reassure employees these conversations were not only tolerated but encouraged.

Open discussions of important issues promote active listening and diversity of thought.

There are lots of strategies to encourage deeper dialogue among your team members. However, it’s important to ensure a diversity of ideas are welcomed in these discussions, with a strong emphasis placed on active listening. In today’s polarized political climate, opinions are often harshly judged, leaving employees feeling their input isn’t welcome.

Instead, promote judgment-free listening, diversity of thought, and an open mind in work conversations. Don’t let opinions be discounted or dismissed. One old adage states you should try to listen twice as much as you talk. Continually emphasize this approach, and you will create a productive and welcoming culture in your office.

via: Pexels / Anastasiya Gepp

Deep conversation topics should be a thing taught in school, because…

It’s almost inevitable — you spend a lot of time in your daily life talking about surface-level, mundane things.

And we all know:

From the latest gossip at work, to being lost in generally polite conversation topics with strangers at a bar, to re-visiting the same social media posts with friends, it can become rather boring to just be keeping up with whatever is expected of you in a conversation.

Why is this, though? Because as a strong, motivated man, you crave depth in your conversations — you know that there’s more that lies beneath the surface of every person, and have a genuine desire to find the right questions to ask to lead the conversation in a more fulfilling direction.

We’ve put together a list of our favorite types of deep questions to ask, so that you can get started with, or enhance your repertoire of ways to break through the monotony of everyday conversation and really start learning what it is that makes people who they are.

Take a look through the following areas of deep conversation topics, and commit a few of them to memory to be prepared for wherever your conversations might lead you throughout the day.

Friendships are one of (if not the single) greatest parts of being a human. Finding people you connect to, trust, and enjoy spending time with is what makes it possible to get through this wild ride we call life. But when you first start getting comfortable with someone, it can be hard to know how to have a deep conversation with your friend, particularly if you guys haven’t reached that whole “tell each other everything” stage just yet.

It’s one of the best feelings in the world to be able to open up to someone about your deepest thoughts and feelings, and to know they’re comfortable doing the same with you. But how do you break that “acquaintance” barrier, so to speak, and begin broaching those topics for the very first time? And, perhaps more importantly, how do you do that without, you know, completely scaring your friend off and ruining the friendship before it even has a chance to really begin?

According to counselor and relationship expert David Bennett, the biggest thing to keep in mind here is each person’s boundaries in the friendship. Moreover, he says, it’s important to commit to developing the relationship slowly over time. “One problem of going ‘too deep, too soon’ is that it can get awkward and intrusive if your new friend isn’t ready,” Bennett tells Elite Daily. “Also, when you start to get into deeper conversation, you’re risking saying things that could hypothetically strain (or even end) the friendship.”

Bennett also points out that this is especially true today, when many people feel extremely divided by political and personal views. But rest assured, it’s not that daunting in practice to move a budding friendship to that deeper level. Here are a few ways to start having those meaningful, life-changing conversations with a friend.

You Have To Get Cool With Being Vulnerable

Being vulnerable is hard, and telling your truth can be scary. But it’s where the magic happens with real connection.

“You’ll have to be vulnerable, at least to a degree,” says Bennett. “If you want the friendship to deepen, you’ll have to put your personal feelings and viewpoints out there, and be ready to accept the consequences.”

But oftentimes when you share something, it gives your friends room to open up, too. Perhaps start small, by sharing a personal memory, or a rather challenging breakup story, Bennett recommends.

Let Your Friend Be Vulnerable, Too

What’s just as important (if not more-so) than sharing, is being the kind of person your friend feels like they can trust with their stories and feelings. “Most people are afraid to go deeper with others because they are worried about judgment or negative reactions,” Bennett tells Elite Daily. “If you start talking about deeper things, be open to your friend’s deeper feelings and ideas. Refrain from judging or doing all the talking.”

Your friend has to feel just as comfortable as you do with these deeper conversations, the counselor explains.

Take Things Nice And Slow

Everyone overshares sometimes — it happens. But, according to Bennett, it’s best to be mindful of how whatever it is you’re sharing might make the other person feel, and to try to carefully gauge their comfort level as you shift into those deeper or more intimate topics. For instance, if you find yourself sharing one of your secrets with a friend, get a sense for how they’re feeling by paying attention to their facial expressions, and what they say (or don’t say) in response.

“Nobody likes to be getting along with someone as a new friend and have a bunch of deep feelings or views dumped on them out of the blue,” says Bennett. Instead, he suggests, try to gradually share more of your true self, and be sure to open yourself up to their sharing, too. Research shows that true friendships take a lot of time to develop, especially deeper ones.

Focus On The Positives

According to Bennett, one problem with having these deep conversations is that they can bring up points of disagreement between you and your friend. Once you learn there are things about your friend you didn’t initially know, like maybe their feelings about politics or other controversial issues, some of what you find out may not totally jive with who you are and what you believe.

“A true friend focuses on commonalities and tries to learn from their friend’s differences,” Bennett points out. In other words, just because you and your friend disagree about something outside your friendship, that doesn’t mean the relationship is totally doomed, or that you no longer have anything in common. As Bennett suggests, do your best to learn from one another, instead of passing judgment or allowing it to ruin your connection.

If Things Get Weird, Stay Calm

If you and your friend do wind up disagreeing with one another on a deeper topic, or even if there are some uncomfortable moments that come up as you begin to share, Bennett says it’s not the end of the world, or the friendship. “If a difference arises, remember the reasons why you like the person,” he tells Elite Daily. “Remember where they are coming from, and hopefully your friend takes this same charitable view.”

Most friendships have awkward moments, and in my experience, actually, only the best ones have those moments from time to time. You just have to be able to laugh about it, learn from it, and move on.

Have you ever wondered how it would feel if you could make your daily interactions more meaningful? In today’s world, every simple conversation has the potential of developing into an argument, and avoiding people isn’t the answer. Whether you’re talking to a colleague, your significant other, or interacting on social media, you’ll definitely meet someone who disagrees with your point of view, and an argument might begin.

There are several ways that can help you deliver your message without being too aggressive or getting into a defensive mode. Having more meaningful conversations is an art that you can learn. Keep on reading to learn about the best 10 ways to have a more meaningful conversation.

What Is a Meaningful Conversation?

Having a conversation involves having a balance between talking and listening. However, nowadays, more people are polarized and less likely to listen and compromise. This means that they will stick to whatever they believe and ignore any opinion that doesn’t agree with theirs. As a matter of fact, lots of people are misinformed and will make wrong decisions that can eventually harm them on so many levels because they chose to ignore others.

People would believe what they see on a TV or what they read about when they browse the internet but might ignore the truth just because it’s not popular. This is where the conflict begins. These tips will help you have better conversations that both you and the other party will find meaningful and enlightening.

Be Present in the Conversation

If you really want to make yourself heard or understand what the other person is trying to say, you have to be 100% into the conversation. It’s quite common to talk to someone while they’re using their smartphone or writing something on their laptop. If you’re busy, then it’s best to postpone this conversation until you have time to be fully engaged in it.

Not only is it rude not to give the other person your full attention; it actually means that you’re not entirely focused on what is being said. As a result, you’re likely to miss an essential piece of information or might say something that can deeply offend the other person.

Actively listening to someone means to focus on what is being said in the present moment. It might have an effect on your thoughts, and the whole conversation might shift to another direction if you’re paying attention.

Listen

People would rather talk than listen because it makes them feel that they’re in control. To have a proper conversation, you should give the other person a chance to talk and actually listen to what they’re saying, as this will be your chance to learn something. Remember the key points and ask for clarification when they’re done talking if you’re confused. “No matter how tempting it is, resist the urge to mention how cool, successful, or awesome you are,” adds Stephen Rudd, public speaker and writer at Legitwritingservices.com . “Talking about your accomplishments is fun, but it might be boring for the other person. Do it only if they specifically asked for it.”

Some people won’t be 100% present in the conversation because they’re wrapped up in their next thought. If this is happening, it means that you’re not listening. You’re only waiting for the other person to stop whatever they’re saying, so you can say whatever is on your mind.

It takes effort and energy to actually listen to someone, but it’s worth it. Otherwise, you and the other person won’t feel that the conversation has added any real value to either of you. Most people don’t listen to understand, but they listen to reply.

Remember that You Have Something to Learn

Work on your mindset regarding the whole conversation. Are you trying to lecture someone, stating your opinion as it’s the ultimate truth? Or are you engaging in a conversation where there would be room for growth?

Preaching someone about what you believe doesn’t usually lead to a productive conversation where you both can learn. It’s important to believe that there are several faces to the truth and that everyone you will meet knows something that you don’t know.

As a matter of fact, if you’re really trying to improve your conversational skills, it’s a good idea to let the other person speak first. This will give you an idea about how to sell your idea or express your opinion based on how they express themselves.

Ask the Right Questions

Asking questions shows that you’re engaged in the conversation and will also give the other person the opportunity to expand their thoughts and become more interested in your interaction. Nobody likes to talk to someone who shows no response. By asking the right questions, you’re showing them that you’re genuinely interested and that you want to learn more, so they will open up. You should be asking for stories and not just answers.

Open-ended questions make the conversation more attractive because people can elaborate. Let people describe their feelings, rather than providing a part of the answer in the question you ask. Very complicated questions can result in simple answers because people might not be able to understand what you mean.

An introduction to the series on conversations that will save your relationship

Posted Feb 06, 2019

Relationships can be tough. Most of the time, we are trying the best we can to keep ourselves and our partner happy. The problem is that we don’t always know the best ways to do that. We might try what we think will work to keep our relationship where we want it to be. Or, we may keep trying what we’ve done in the past, hoping for a better result. In the end, we get frustrated or feel resigned to accept that our relationship just is the way it is. But there is another way.

This is the first in a series of posts on “Conversations That Will Save Your Relationship.” This post provides a structure for how to have meaningful conversations with your partner. Subsequent entries cover conversations that every couple should have but probably aren’t. For this series, I have chosen topics central to a healthy and happy relationship. They include ways of loving, providing support, understanding your partner’s needs, and using technology to enhance, rather than damage your relationship. Each of these conversations will strengthen your relationship, create feelings of closeness and intimacy, and provide new ways of approaching your relationship that will be easier and give you more of what you want.

As with any relationship discussion, there are best practices on how to approach and engage in the conversation. You can use these tips for the conversations I discuss or apply them to any conversation you’re having with your partner. These tips create the most conducive environment for a fun and productive conversation in which each person is able to learn about the other in a way that doesn’t create hurt feelings or conflict.

Setting the Stage for the Conversation

With any meaningful conversation, it is best to set aside a time where neither person is distracted and you both have the physical and emotional energy to talk. These should be fun conversations, but they could create conflict if both people aren’t willing or able to engage in that moment. Things you should think about are when you will have the conversation and where it will take place. Avoid cornering your partner when they are busy or tired, like when they first get home from work. Assess the situation and be mindful that the timing of the conversation will greatly impact its outcome.

Starting the Conversation

When we approach a partner to talk, it is best to clearly tell them what you would like to talk about. Then, ask them if they are open to talking about it. If they say no, you can ask if they would be willing to talk at another time. You could even set up a specific time if that is what you and your partner prefer.

It is important to realize that how you introduce the conversation sets the stage for how your partner will respond. If your partner feels attacked or on trial, they will respond defensively, which eliminates the ability to have a fun and productive conversation. One tactic for starting any deep or challenging conversation is to approach it with a sense of curiosity. If your intent is to get to know how your partner feels and thinks, they are more likely to engage in the type of conversation that will be beneficial to both of you.

If you’re engaging in one of the conversations from the post, one tactic to starting effectively would be to explain to your partner that you read an article about fun conversations that couples can use to get to know each other better (or insert whatever plug for the conversation that you know will appeal to your partner). Keep in mind that however you approach starting the conversation, you should emphasize that this is not a test or a hard “relationship talk” – it’s a get to know your partner better conversation. Then ask if they are open to trying it. If they say no, you can ask if they would be open another time. Remember that a no at one moment doesn’t mean no forever. It is completely acceptable for your partner to say they aren’t in the mood or don’t have the energy in the moment – just assess if they may be willing at another time.

During the Conversation

As with any deep or challenging conversation, you want to think about how you express your feelings and how you respond. According to John Gottman, a prominent researcher on conflict and marital success, the masters (couples that engage in positive communication behaviors that are likely to sustain a successful long term relationship) are gentle with how they approach such conversations. And when their partner says something, even if it may be difficult to hear, they respond with curiosity and say things like, “That’s interesting. Tell me more.”

Then, while starting the conversation (and during it), avoid criticism – statements that attack the person. Gottman states that criticism is the first of the detrimental behaviors that he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Any statement that makes the listener feel attacked, assaulted, or rejected is likely to lead to other problematic patterns of communication, including defensiveness. As Gottman describes on his website 1 , there is a difference between criticism and a complaint. A complaint focuses on a behavior, whereas criticism focuses on the person. In order to create a communication climate that is conducive to positive and engaged conversation, make sure any statements you make focus on how you feel and specific behaviors, and not attacks of your partner’s personality or behaviors.

Be a supportive listener. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by your cell phone, other things happening around the conversation or tangential thoughts that pop into your mind. Listen to understand, rather than to respond. Ask clarifying questions that allow you to truly understand how your partner feels. Try not to interrupt your partner – wait to respond until they have completed their thought. It may be that by waiting to respond, you will learn something new that will change how you respond.

When speaking, be aware of the nonverbal feedback your partner is giving you. Sometimes it is helpful to engage in metacommunication – communication about communication. For example, you might say, “It seems like you are uncertain about what I’m saying. Is there something I can clarify?” This strategy is better than a more critical and defensive statement like, “you never understand me,” “or “why is this confusing for you?” Rather than assuming how your partner is feeling or responding to what you are saying, ask questions from a place of wanting to create a better understanding. Also, keep in mind that a conversation involves a balance of both people talking and listening. Try to avoid dominating the conversation.

Communication is an essential component of maintaining a healthy relationship. Without communication, relationships wither and ultimately die. When approached in the right way, conversations can lead to new discoveries about how you and your partner think and feel, create greater feelings of intimacy and closeness, and provide evidence that you can work through problems when they arise in the relationship. By following the strategies outlined here, you can set yourself up for success and make deep and challenging conversations easier and more fun. And when you’re ready, practice these strategies in the conversations I’ll address in the “Conversations That Will Save Your Relationship” series.

Small talk. Sometimes it feels as ridiculous as this exchange between Tracy Jordan and Kenneth on the TV series 30 Rock:

Why Introverts Hate Small Talk

Does anyone really enjoy small talk? Probably not, but introverts especially loathe it. It’s not just mind-numbingly boring — like a slow-moving TV show on infinite rerun — but it’s also mentally draining. By definition, introverts are individuals who get easily worn out by socializing. Most of us have little desire to spend our limited “people” energy on gossip, our coworker’s weekend plans, or the weather.

And, as Dr. Laurie Helgoe points out in Introvert Power, “Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.”

That’s right. Rather than drawing people closer, small talk can actually build barriers between people.

How? Because small talk keeps the conversation on the surface. “Polite” and “nice,” it shuns any vulnerability, any honesty, and any chance of creating emotional intimacy. When two people get stuck in small talk mode, they don’t learn anything new about each other, and as a result, the relationship doesn’t grow in a satisfying way.

Small talk leaves zero room for meaningful interaction.

And this is absolute hell for introverts, whose brains are wired to dive deep. We crave peeking into another person’s inner world and sharing our own. We want to dissect a big idea, figure out what makes these things called “human beings” tick, learn something new, and yeah, talk about the meaning of life.

In other words, we want the good stuff.

Hacks for Meaningful Conversation

Unfortunately, small talk probably won’t be banished anytime soon. They key for introverts is to turn surface-level chitchat into more meaningful conversation. To help you do just that, I’ve compiled four hacks from experts.

1. Get the other person to tell a story.

Avoid asking questions that can be answered in just one or two words. Instead of, “How are you?” try something open-ended, like, “What did you do today?” or “What was the most interesting thing that happened today at work?” Questions like these invite the other person to tell a story.

Here are more ideas from Chris Colin and Rob Baedeker, authors of What to Talk About:

• “What line of work are you in?”
• “How was your weekend?”
• “What’s up?”
• “How long have you been living here?”

• “What’s your story?”
• “How’d you end up in your line of work?”
• “What was the best part of your weekend?”
• “What are you looking forward to this week?”
• “What’s the strangest thing about where you grew up?”

2. Ask why instead of what.

This is a twist on asking open-ended questions. Instead of asking about the facts (“what”), ask “why,” suggests The Date Report. For example, after “What college did you go to?” follow up with, “Why did you choose that college?” Hopefully this results in an interesting conversation in which you learn more about what makes the other person tick.

3. Share details and see what sticks.

This can be hard for introverts, because we tend to dislike talking about ourselves. It puts all the attention on us, and we feel exposed and vulnerable. We usually don’t open up until we know someone well and feel comfortable around them. But inevitably, this means we get stuck in cycles of mind-numbing small talk.

As I explain in my book, The Secret Lives of Introverts, try sharing a few details about yourself and see what sticks. If you work in an office or go to school, you probably get asked, “How’s it going?” or “How are you?” several times a day. Instead of giving the typical response (“I’m fine, how are you?”), expand on your answer. Give a few details about your day. You might say something like, “Good, I got up early this morning to jog on my favorite trail. Now I’m feeling great!”

When you share details about yourself, notice how the other person reacts. Do they keep the conversation going by asking a follow-up question (“That’s awesome! Where’s your favorite trail?”)? Or do they give a disinterested nod? If the other person doesn’t seem interested, try revealing another detail about yourself until you hit on a topic that gets the two of you talking.

4. Dare to be honest.

We often sacrifice expressing our true thoughts and feelings for the sake of politeness. But there’s something very authentic — and surprisingly charming — about being completely honest. In The Irresistible Introvert, Michaela Chung explains that you can quickly take conversations to a deeper level by saying things like:

• “To be honest, I don’t go to parties very much. I feel pretty overwhelmed being here.”
• “I’m not a big talker, but I like listening.”
• “I don’t like camping. Like, at all.”
• “I’m really proud of that.”
• “This feels awkward.”
• “That hurt my feelings.”
• “No. I don’t want to go. I’d rather stay home and have some me time.”

If done right, even one authentic admission quickly builds intimacy, because honesty draws people in and makes them let down their guard.

You might like:

• 7 Tips for Introverts to Make More High-Quality Friendships
• Introverts Don’t Hate People, They Hate Shallow Socializing
• 12 Things Introverts Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• Why Introverts Absolutely Loathe Talking on the Phone
• 15 Signs That You’re an Introvert With High-Functioning Anxiety

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Over the course of an average day, you might hop on a phone call with a ton of different customers.

But whether it’s your first call of the day or your 20th, it’s important that you’re on your game when you’re chatting with them. If you’re troubleshooting, communicating an outage, or talking out big-picture strategy, they’ll want your undivided attention — not to mention your best ideas.

Customers can tell when your heart isn’t in a conversation, and we get it — sometimes you’re tired or having a bad day, and you can’t give your all. But there are a few specific behaviors you can focus on to make sure your customer feels valued and heard.

Onward produced this infographic with a rundown of how to have more meaningful conversations. These tips don’t just apply to customer conversations, but they’re worthwhile to remember to make your exchanges more impactful — and helpful — for your customers.

How to Have Meaningful Conversations With Your Customers

Originally published Nov 23, 2017 8:00:00 AM, updated November 27 2017

Only the most adept social butterfly doesn’t feel that twinge of anxiety before sitting down at a dinner party next to a stranger—for some, fear of filling the air with chatter can be almost paralyzing, particularly when you’re placed next to someone who seems reticent to chatter. But, as Dr. Samantha Boardman, a psychiatrist in Manhattan (who also writes a blog called The Positive Prescription, explains, pushing through to make meaningful conversation is good for everyone. “Making a point to talk about stuff that matters is a simple way to cultivate happiness,” whether that’s with a guy you’ve never met at a friend’s house, a date, or your angsty tween. Below, she explains more.

By Samantha Boardman, M.D.

Does the thought of making small talk fill you with dread? You’re not alone. Most people dislike idle chitchat because it feels fake and like a waste of time. We can all agree that talking about the weather is not interesting unless you are speaking to a meteorologist and a hurricane is on the way.

Contrary to conventional advice to “keep it light,” studies show that people prefer having deeper and more meaningful discussions. Moreover, engaging in substantive conversations is linked with greater happiness and well-being. There are two main explanations for this—we are meaning-seeking animals and we are social animals. Conversing about our experiences and the world around us enables us to find meaning in our lives. Good conversations also facilitate bonding and a greater connection with the person with whom we are speaking. Simply put, making a point to talk about stuff that matters is a simple way to cultivate happiness.

That said getting a conversation going is not always easy. On a date, at a dinner party, or even with a loved one, dialogue doesn’t always flow. We have all had awkward experiences when it felt like pulling teeth to get the other person to engage. Equally challenging is feeling “stuck” at a dinner party next to someone who is rambling on about something you have no interest in.

The good news is it doesn’t have to be this way. Consider re-framing the situation. Instead of dwelling on how dull your dinner partner is or how difficult he or she is to talk to, ask yourself, “What can I learn from them?”

Channeling a more open mindset can transform a boring encounter into an interesting one. In a research paper entitled, “With Our Questions We Make the World,” the authors illustrate the power of an open mindset:

“Depending on whether I listen to you through the question ‘What is valuable about what she’s saying?’ or ‘Why is she wasting my time?’ I will hear very different messages.”

Remember, everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.

Here are 8 ways to make your conversations more meaningful:

Ask Why and How Questions.

When you ask a “What” question, chances are you will get a simple answer, but when you ask a “Why” question, you explore a person’s underlying motivation. For example, “Why did you think that happened?” yields a more thoughtful response than, “What happened?” Every question you ask has the potential to narrow or expand the dialogue. “What” questions encourage introspection and convey a genuine interest in the other person’s experience.

Channel Curious George.

As Iris Apfel says, “You have to be interested. If you’re not interested, you can’t be interesting.” Inquire about topics that will help you find common ground. Build on what the other person says. Avoid firing out checklists and predictable questions like, “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” Ask open-ended questions that require more than a one-word reply. This works with children too—for example, instead of saying, “How was your day?,” try, “Did anything surprise you today?”

Ask for advice.

As Oscar Wilde keenly observed, “We all admire the wisdom of those who come to us for advice.” It is a great way to get a conversation going. For the most part, people love to talk about themselves and their experiences. Studies show that talking about oneself feels good—it activates the same areas of the brain that light up when eating good food, taking drugs, and even having sex. Capitalize on this and use it as an opportunity to learn something.

Avoid your favorite topic.

It’s counterintuitive but makes sense—whether it’s opera or your Shih Tzu—because you will probably end up talking too much and not listening enough. On that note….

Talk less and listen more.

Truly listening involves hearing what the person is saying and also paying attention to their non-verbal communication. Respond by paraphrasing and reflecting on the conversation to move it forward—it shows the other person you genuinely care about what they have to say. Try to hit on something the other person is passionate about and then use the following three magic words: “Tell me more.” Encourage elaboration and when the other person asks you a question, respond with more than just the bare bones. You don’t “just” live in New York, you live downtown because you love the West Village. In other words, give the other person some personal (and substantive) information to work with. By all means, resist the temptation to interrupt immediately and hijack the conversation: “Oh you like skiing? Me too! I just came back from a ski trip…”

Obey the 20 second rule.

Dr. Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen, provides some practical advice on when to talk and when to zip it. He recommends obeying the Traffic Light Rule:

“In the first 20 seconds of talking, your light is green: your listener is liking you, as long as your statement is relevant to the conversation and hopefully in service of the other person. But unless you are an extremely gifted raconteur, people who talk for more than roughly half-minute at a time are boring and often perceived as too chatty. So the light turns yellow for the next 20 seconds—now the risk is increasing that the other person is beginning to lose interest or think you’re long-winded. At the 40-second mark, your light is red. Yes, there’s an occasional time you want to run that red light and keep talking, but the vast majority of the time, you’d better stop or you’re in danger.”

Your body says it all.

Body language cues like eye contact (and not looking over their shoulder), sincere nodding, and leaning in communicate interest. Smile, uncross your arms, pay attention. Nothing kills a pleasant conversation like feeling the other person doesn’t care about what you’re saying.

Lose the phone.

A 2014 study, called “The iPhone Effect,” demonstrated how the mere presence of a phone can ruin a conversation. The quality and substance of a conversation were rated as less fulfilling when compared to a conversation that took place in the absence of a mobile device. Leave it in your pocket or in your handbag and never place it on the table. If you are expecting an important email from your boss, let the other person know. Create a special notification. At least they will know you are not mindlessly thumbing through Instagram.

Bottom Line: Talking about stuff that matters is good for you and good for the person you are chatting with. Try to have at least five substantive conversations a week—not only will they boost your spirits, they will open your mind.

Fran Lebowitz probably says it best: “Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”